I think i'm getting more scidal as of late
i got accustomed to a baseline level of it since childhood, and when i'm truly at my worst, i am just too tired to do anything, let alone execute a plan
it's the moments directly after i rise from my episode when the ideation is still heightened while energy levels are climbing that seem like the most dangerous, although i am just too curious about all the books and life in general to do anything about it just yet (promised myself to give life a shot until 33, after all)
but yeah, i feel like a dissapointment to myself, i feel liked on a superficial level but not much of real depth with any of the friends irl, and overall, maybe the version of me that just stayed a fagotto would be much happier and successful (although i know it wouldn't be exactly "me" anymore)
ugh, i really ought to finish that book to secure at least a semblance of legacy... :///