What the fuck? how are all the pooners, even the asexuals, except me taken?

Or in possession of prior dating experience. Fuck my stupid loner pooncel life. How is it so easy for you people? Socially, romantically, sexually…

I’m not even autistic(I think), so I have no curt excuse for being as socially retarded as I am. Except that I always have been to some degree. The issue is that when I go out and try to get more experience, I either get blown off by more well-adjusted but judgmental or preoccupied people, or run into even more mal-adjusted opportunistic sickos. Or, there’s just no chemistry, or whatever else. Socializing has always felt like a fight not to be perceived as either an opportunistic sicko or an opportunity. Totally treacherous and Sisyphean. Pushing the boulder is not enough. I want relief.

I get scared and impatient and give up when I get the real or imagined sense that they do not like me or that I am getting the short end of the stick. That is a more recent development.

Yeah, I’ve been burned like everyone else. But the difference between me and most people is that I have gone through life largely friendless and they have not. I went through school friendless and loveless. No hang out buddies, no situationships, no lovers, and a “best friend” that saw me as more of a utility than a friend.

My life is meaningless without people. My identity is meaningless without people. I am curious about them and I seek them out, but no dice.

People do not care about or like me and I have never felt recognized, but I need them. I hate them because I need them and they only care about themselves and maintaining their own little bubbles. They often have selfish and shallow motivations for wanting to interact or associate with me. If we ever have meaningful interactions, it’s almost always me who instigates them. The world is so large are there are so many people in it, but that thought doesn’t comfort me at all. It just reminds me of how defective I must be to have gone this long alone.

People are impossible. I don’t know how much longer I can convince myself that a life devoid of human companionship is even worth living. I’m gonna have to make a promise to kill myself if nothing changes in two years.