I’m terrified of being rejected from Cambridge

I know this is going to sound so pathetic and whiny but I just need to get this off my chest 😭. Since September I’ve been telling myself that getting rejected by Cambridge doesn’t matter. If I don’t get in, I don’t care. It’s so competitive and hard to get a place, and I shouldn’t beat myself up for not being accepted. I’ll just go to a different uni that will make me equally as happy, it’s not the end of the world. Like when I get my rejection email I’ll just go “WOOPSIE” and move on.

And I still believe that, but now it’s not just getting rejected that terrifies me, it’s the slow realisation that I will have to tell everyone I know who’s been rooting for me and I’ll let them down. Yesterday at college a bunch of people I know got offers from Oxford and were telling everyone about it, and I was so happy for them, but suddenly this massive wave of dread hit me at once. Because if I get rejected, it’s so much more than just ‘not getting in’.

This is literally going to sound so whiny and so pathetic and I’m sorry 😭 but literally the only thing going for me is that I’m good at writing essays. That’s it. I thrive on academic validation and my parents, who never even did their a levels, are crazed on the idea of one of their kids getting into Oxbridge. My mum keeps telling me I’ll get in, whereas my dad from day one has told me I’ll never get in and that I’m not the ‘kind of person’ Cambridge wants. Telling my parents would crush my mum, and she’s the kind of person who’ll remind you and everyone else for years for clout, and my dad will just go ‘I told you so’.

There’s also so much competition in my family, my cousin got an offer from Oxford and basically he’s that one high-achieving cousin your parents always compare you to LOL. He’s exactly what you picture when you think of the most stereotypical Oxford applicant (rich, posh, privately educated…) and I’m not saying my cousin is a mean person, but he loves to ignorantly flaunt his successes onto you if you’ve done even slightly worse than him. Like I got all 8s at GCSE and was so ecstatic telling him, and he kind of gave me a judging look and went, “ok? Well I got all 9s, so…” and he’ll love to remind you of it. And again this sounds so pathetic but if I don’t get in, this will be another big thing my family will remind me of, how he got into Oxbridge and how successful and smart he is, whilst I just wasn’t good enough. I don’t want the future of my education to be some competition for who can boast more.

And my colleagues at work found out I got an interview (I was trying not to tell them for this exact reason) and were asking me every week when I’ll hear and to tell them, then a customer overheard and had a long conversation with me, and excitedly said he’ll come back after the 30th and ask how I did.

Finally there’s my teacher. He’s been teaching me since I was 12. Honestly I’ve never had such a close bond with a teacher before, and I wouldn’t be where I am without him. He applied for Cambridge but flopped the interview, and every lesson he excitedly asks me if I think I’ll get in and how seeing me get a place will ‘make his life complete’. He mentored me, helped me write my PS, helped me prepare for the written assessment, gave me mock interviews, all in his own time because he was so happy to hear I was applying- he was the one that convinced me to apply. If I didn’t get in I would completely disappoint him, things would be so awkward, especially as there’s two girls in my class applying for exactly the same subject at Cambridge.

I’m not terrified of being rejected, it’s the social shame that comes after. Sorry for the yap I just needed to get this off my chest 😭😭