AITAH

Been dating this man for now 3 years. Before we even seen each other for the first time, (even on my dating profile) I made sure it was clear I do not want kids, do not want to be a mother, but I know men around my age (at the time 35) are going to have kids, so I am totally cool with that. Before meeting I asked who has the kids? It’s the mother, okay that’s cool. We met, went to dinner. Seems and still is pretty good man. His kids at the time one about to be 10 and the other 12. Okay cool, they old enough literally to do things with just telling them (no diapers and such). Before him and I moved in together, we would send each a list of 10 questions, we would answer then when we see each other then we would answer the questions we asked. So one of his questions was, what would you think if I was able to get custody of my kids, if we were living together? Im cool with it. Few months later I met the kids, oldest is a girl, youngest is a boy. Seemed pretty nice, I mean the kids so they are kids. One thing he did tell me before meeting them is his daughter is a “bigger” girl, we one she is 12, I didn’t say anything. One thing about me is I’m vegetarian, and I’m very health aware, don’t do fast food but once every few months, huge on protein, I’m not “fit”, but I work out all the time (4:30am working out before work) not over weight just normal, (whatever normal is). My man, he is super tall, not fit either but used to play football and is now a runner, and eats horrible! So after meeting them for the first time, both was super quiet, really sweet, my man brought over food for them to eat and chill and watch tv before bringing them back to their moms. No big deal. Eventually him and I moved in together, and got a place so when the kids do come over they have a room for their things and beds. We have a pool too, playground and all. Super excited for them to come over, in which they did. My man and I did discuss about how to handle the kids since I’m not their parent, my main answer is ask your dad, it’s up to him, go see your dad, the only thing I literally did was have them help out around the place, and clean up after themselves. Other thing I noticed was the eating habits, my man eating junk, apparently they do to, and my man went to go get some groceries, and all junk! Frozen stuff, pizza, pizza bites, pot pockets, white bread, chips, lots of junk. The daughter tho, can cook her a$$ off! And loves it! So her and I cooked together one or two times together, but I work over 40 hrs a week, so main responsibility was on the dad. They spent one full summer with us, and learned the reason why his daughter is on the “bigger” side, and I’m trying to be very sensitive on this subject but “bigger” is not what needs to be used, this little girl was and is obese. During the time they was here for the summer, I watched the amount of food that was consumed, the junk they both ate. I talked with my man/father, and let him know, look the junk you are buying is not helping, oh and if the son doesn’t like something I made, their dad was fine with eating something else, normally a sandwich. Because I will not cook something different to cater to picky eaters. His daughter tho loves veggies! The father tho, literally was raised on kid food, (wtf is kid food?) literally junk food so we all see the problem? Example, one time I came home, didn’t know the kids was over, and dinner needed to be made, so I went to him and said let me run to the store to pick up a few things for dinner, he said nah don’t worry about it I got it since you are just getting off work, it was around 6:30, he was outside working on the car. I proceed to change shower and all, so later on that evening around 10pm he wakes me up, and says hey I’m running to Wendy’s want something? Um no, I will get something here, and off he went, by the time he got home and the kids ate it was midnight! Um to me that’s a problem! His daughter is a class 3 obese! I volunteered to cook, and end of the day and 2000 calories later and midnight that happens. So I let him know, you being him are aware there is an issue, (keep in mind, the mother and him know there is a problem, doctors too) and what happened the other night, shouldn’t have happened! He agrees and says okay. We move on from it. In the mean time, now the daughter doesn’t want to see her dad anymore ( not sure why, and love the fact the mother isn’t forcing it, just letting the kids decided) but once a week he goes and picks his son up and brings him out, out as whatever food he wants, pizza fast food whatever. He hasn’t seen his daughter in about a year now, and he came home after one complaining about how his son is gaining weight and is getting neck rolls, (I stay quiet) (listening) and how his ex was told by her doctor she is pre diabetic (which means you over weight). I’m just listening.

Now with that all in your head, his ex works from home, and makes hella money, and he the dad has been out of these kids life for a good 6 years. He lived in GA with his ex, (they was together at the time) and she got lonely because she knew no one, and working from home and watching kids she didn’t have time to meet anyone, they took couples therapy, and well she picked up and left with the kids and all, and he just stayed in GA. She went back to their home state, and kept in touch with her other baby daddy, and eventually my man told her, look you clearly can’t get over him, always talking about him, I will always provide for the kids, if you need anything for the kids let me know, and they moved on. He stayed in GA and she in their home state.

He finally moved back to his home state after years and trying to have a relationship with his kids, which is fine but I’m glad the mother isn’t forcing it.

The mother who works from home tho literally lets the kids do what they want, there is no route, no clean up after yourself, eat whatever when ever, I don’t even know if the mother cooks? I just know the daughter loves to cook.

I even talked with my man about when they came over doing chores? That was a no, so I informed him, okay that’s fine if you don’t want to them to do chores while they here, but I’m not coming home to you and the kids in a mess, for me to clean up, it’s not my responsibility to clean up after people they are completely able to do so for themselves. So if you don’t get them too, you gonna have to push them too. So he made chores. Making your bed, take a shower, eat breakfast, brush teeth and that’s all. Who is cleaning up the breakfast? But whatever. Now my man has stated as well he hates going to get the kids at their moms, because she is a slob. The kids do nothing and well clearly she doesn’t either. I have never been inside her place but I’m cool with that. She has been in mine. And she seems nice, no drama or anything between us.

So it’s been a year since he has seen his daughter, he still sees his son weekly. I haven’t seen his son in about a year due to work, and every time he goes to see his son due to the drive no point of coming to our place and then bringing him back, the dad doesn’t push or ask about him staying the night, he leaves that up to the son. Plus the day that he goes to see him is a school night because he gotta work.

And so last week he asked if I would be okay if he got custody of his son? Long silence.

For one I’m very clean, the times the kids been over, it’s a battle, but I mention babe this needs to be done before you take them to whatever, nah sick is full dishes, and sometimes I have come home to a complete mess! In which the kids was over and the dad lost track of time and left the kitchen tore up! I messaged him letting him know, I’m staying in my room, and that when he comes home he needs to clean the kitchen, I literally cried my eyes out! I do not know how mothers do it! My man as well isn’t the cleanest, leaves stuff everywhere, and it’s something I get on to him all the time as well, and now that I have met the kids, and dealt with them, I’m hesitant.

There is a food issue, a clean up after your self issue. My man has gotten even more busy, working and doing another side job. So I do not know how him getting custody is going to help him, for one he doesn’t pay child support, (which is crazy!) but anytime they need something he sends money, okay cool agreement, none of my business. But if he take custody of his son, who taking him to school? Which is in a whole other town. I’m not cooking for a picky eater. I already clean up after my man, which is a whole other issue, but I’m not doing it for another human. I listen to my man talk about the weight issue about his daughter with his ex, and I watch how I see it happening with his son. Honestly the kids are lazy, no route, no structure, they literally do what they want. But I’m not their parent so I’m clueless on where to stand. I just know if he takes custody of his son, this will be my responsibility. This is what I’m afraid of. My man recently have gotten quiet, something has happened, in which he will not talk to me about. Something is going on, the lack of communication is killing me.

But my answer to his question was. I do not want to be a mother. I do not want that responsibility. I have met your kids, and the situation that happened last time isn’t and wasn’t the most pleasant for me. It wasn’t a yes or a no, but more of yeah he can, but this is totally on him and I will not help him.

And on top of all of this I’m a very anxious person, I have suffered from anxiety since 2017, and diagnosed in 2020. I got into meds, which made me gain weight even with my lifestyle, I got off of meds after 3 years and the weight came off, (40lbs) it’s not my first time gaining weight due to meds. Since being off of meds my anxiety has been stable with therapy, learning to cope through things. Messes makes me have anxiety, I like things clean and tidy. So when I mentioned coming home to a mess, and then crying sticking myself in my room was me having a panic attack. I have had people attack me for being way over done about what happened, but I’m not used to having my kitchen a terrible mess! And then to come home to it, after I make sure the night before and that morning it’s cleaned before going to work?

Before he even asked me that question, he started to be very quiet, I know something is bothering him. Then the question was asked, and now still quiet, causes me anxiety of what is going on? Trying not to over think everything! And knowing someone I care and love is being silent.

I enjoy not having to worry about a child, I enjoy coming home to him, but I understand that his kids do come first, but I’m cool with him bringing his son here, but it needs to be only on him.

Not only that, I can’t afford to have a child, so funds to needs to be on him. We split all bills as well, the bills went up when they was over, water, power (because they was home all day while we worked) honestly he needs to pay the extra. Children are not cheap.

I’m not sure how he thinks he going to do this, with him working, and doing is evening job, who is going to feed the child? Me when I get off work? Who bringing him to school over 45 minutes away? Or picking him up? I’m not sure if the mother is trying for child support, (honestly she should) and that’s why he wants to get his son, (the mother honestly don’t care where her some goes, those kids do whatever they want). My very anxious brain is so over thinking.

I went out of town as well, and head hardly nothing from my man either, and I communicated this because it makes me anxious. And his reply was.

I’m not okay, but I’m okay. The silence helps (me not being there I guess?) and he apologized for being silence and understands that it effects me but it’s not his intention.

Anxiety is terrible, and I’m over thinking everything. What is going on? Is he thinking of ending it with me because of his son? Which would be stupid, how is he going to take care of his son if I am or am not there, I’m not helping with that anyways.

I know I will get some harsh feed back on this, I do not want to be a parent, the situation at the time before meeting the children was different, I didn’t know there was huge issues on food or laziness. I know this now. And the fact when they are there, there is no follow up on the kids, and I feel like it is left on me, and I just will not tolerate that, which he knows. So I’m lost. And I guess he is too.

I want to be able to edit this post due to grammar issues, and the fact I type really fast but it won’t let me fix any of it before I post this, but please keep in mind if that.