AITAH For leaving my husband and stepdaughter stranded on Christmas when I found out he gave her my big Christmas gift?

My husband M(41M) is the worst at gift giving. We have been together over 3 years and after the 1st year of not receiving anything for my birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Valentines Mother’s Day was the last straw after being told I wasn’t his mother. I decided to start matching energy.

Father’s Day came and I was gone all day when normally I would have put together a big lunch/ dinner and drive 30/45 minutes to go get his daughter A (now 16) so they could spend the day together. He called me in the afternoon and I was polite but not initiating conversation. He asked me when I was picking up his daughter and I replied I had plans and wasn’t aware that I was supposed to pick her up since nothing was communicated to me. When he responded with it’s Fathers Day I used his response back You are not my Father.

I had anticipated him getting upset and knew a constructive conversation would not be had so when he started to raise his voice I told him check the table and hung up. I had left a letter to him communicating how much I was hurt about going out of my way for him and to not have any sort of reciprocation. He called me later and said he would try to be better and work on it. (I ended up going to get his daughter during the week so they could enjoy a dinner together.) Background info- he drives big rig trucks so the vehicle we use for everyday travel is mine.

He’s been better about the gifts, it’s more of go pick something out and I will pay for it which I really don’t mind. He does the same thing with his daughter. I do all the shopping for his family gifts when it comes to birthdays and Holidays. Cut to a week before Christmas and I wake up to my favorite coffee drink and my husband taking me to out to eat for breakfast followed by a trip to the mall to pick out my Christmas gift. I rarely splurge on myself when it comes to purses and clothes. I have a preteen son from my first marriage so I tend to be more practical on myself and spend on him for his birthday and Christmas. My stepdaughter however is very materialistic and always is asking for money or something expensive and between her father and his family and her mother and her family and her stepfather she always gets it.

I had been repeatedly saying out loud that I needed a new purse since mine was hanging on by a thread and had decided to invest in a good designer handbag. I started saving money and looking online for my new dream purse. So imagine my surprise and excitement when we get to the department store and I see they have my dream purse in stock. My husband sort of gave a look when he saw the price and I told him I could contribute and explained how I had been saving so I could save enough to get this purse that I had been dreaming about for months. He shook his head and said I deserved it and he would get it for me but also gave me the expectation that since he was getting me this he really couldn’t afford to get me anything else. I screamed with delight and told him that was ok I didn’t need anything else.

With that taken care of my husband asked me if it was ok to go get his daughter and take her Christmas shopping. I had tons to do at home in preparation for the holiday so this worked out so I could have the house empty to get what I needed done. I was reaching to get my new purse when we arrived home and he said for me to leave it because he had another gift he had previously purchased for me that he was going to put inside the purse for me to open on Christmas. I was on Cloud 9 so I kissed him and left my bag and went inside. I was still busy cleaning and decorating when he got home later that night and the rest of the days before Christmas were all a blur with me trying to get my house ready for the Holiday.

I hosted Christmas Eve at my house with my family and Christmas Day I slept in tired from the night before and woke up with enough time to brush my teeth before we headed out to go get his daughter then drive to spend the day at his mothers house. I fell asleep on the drive and woke up after his daughter was picked up and we were already in route to his moms. I turned around to greet his daughter and that’s when I saw her rummaging and holding my new purse!!! Where did you get that purse? I asked her and the car fell completely silent. I looked at my husband and he stayed silent with both hands on the wheel looking straight ahead. I asked her again this time in a louder more stern tone. She looked down and quietly mumbled “my dad gave it to me.”

YOU WHAT!!! I screamed!!!!! How would you think it was ok to give her my new purse!!!! He told me to calm down and I cut him off and screamed No and then turned back to his daughter and told her that her father had no right to give her my purse and that she needed to give it back to which she refused. I could feel my anger raging then subsiding to a feeling of sadness and complete defeat. I put my coat over my head and leaned against the window trying to cover my face and mouth as tears started running down my cheeks. My husband pulled over at the next gas station and his daughter bolted out taking the purse with her. He tried to comfort me to which I slapped his hand away and told him not to touch me and gave him a look of disgust.

He informed me that after he dropped me off that day he picked up his daughter took her shopping and on the way taking her home she noticed the bag and saw the purse. She begged and pleaded with him to please let her have it. She reminded him about all the times he never got her a gift and how giving her this purse would make up for it and that played on his heart and he finally caved and gave her my purse. He tried to say he was going to make it up to me and I asked him how knowing it was impossible. He already spent his money and made it clear that he wasn’t going to have money to buy me anything else. I couldn’t help but get upset as I tried to get him to understand how hurt I felt and how it’s not like she was suffering with her getting to open presents from her mother and stepfather plus gifts from their family along with the gifts she was going to get from his family and that he already spent money on her for her Christmas presents and that was my one gift.

I know Christmas is not about getting presents but I was extremely upset that my husband could be so thoughtless and not consider the amount of pain this was going to cause me. His phone rang and it was his daughter calling from inside asking him to come inside because she needed money to buy something. As he was walking into the store I looked back and tears began to fill my eyes as I saw all the gifts I picked out for his family with care. Something came over me and i stopped crying and got out and got in the drivers seat and wiped my face and peeled out of the gas station parking lot leaving my husband and stepdaughter behind. I turned my phone off and drove back to town and spent the day with my family at my cousins house and stayed with them not returning any of my husbands phone calls and not returning home until late following day.

The only phone call I did return was the one from my stepdaughter’s mother to set her straight after she left me a hateful message about leaving her daughter stranded because I was jealous her father bought her a new purse. I told her she had been told a lie and informed her of the truth. That in fact her father did not buy her a new purse he bought me a new purse and she played on her father’s emotions after he had already bought her expensive items from her Christmas list to guilt him to giving her my purse. She apologized and tried to come up with a solution to which I replied for her not to bother. The damage has been done.

I found out through my SIL that my husband’s brother went to go get them and the story came out later that evening. His mother is on his side while his brother & SIL and other aunts and uncles sided with me and got onto his daughter. I have not spoken to his daughter since Christmas and things are unsettling at home. I have become more distant from my husband and when I make dinner I don’t serve him a plate, I serve only my son and myself and I only engage in conversation with my son. He’s tried to reach for me at night when we are in bed and I always end up crying. I am not angry or mad I just feel nothingness. He’s back on the road and I do miss him but I can’t shake the feeling of how he let me down and I cannot hide my looks of disappointment. Looking to see what others have to say about the situation.

Update Wow! I did not expect this to blow up like it did. Thank you to everyone who reached out. I meant to come back and update sooner, my apologies. I wanted to clear up some things and defend myself on not being as pathetic as some made me out to be. I apologize now for the long read. 1.) I did not pay for the purse, I offered but he paid the full amount. 2.)He technically pays for the gifts for his family for Christmas. We have an account that he puts money on and this is what is used to pay the bills and other expenses along with gifts for his family for birthdays and other special occasions. I am the one who actually shops for the gifts and I make it personal for each person and do all the wrapping and such and add on from my budget what I feel is needed. 3.) This had gotten erased when I was first posting trying to edit but is a key factor. When I confronted my stepdaughter about returning the purse she wasn’t saying anything, she was refusing by shaking her head no and her father yelled her name and that is when she dropped the bomb on us that she had already written her name in it. She wrote her name in big black permanent marker on the inside of the purse. So that is when my rage just turned into defeat because the purse became worthless to me, hence my getting emotional.

4.) For people questioning on why react now when I had to have known about him not giving gifts from early on in the relationship- after attending family events with him I noticed right away he never had a gift to give. So when it came to my birthday or Valentine’s Day or any special occasion I would take initiative to drive us to wherever I wanted my gift from so he could purchase it. As we got more serious my gifts became trips that I planned and he paid for. So this wasn’t going to be my first time getting a gift but it was going to be my first time having an actual gift under the tree. 5.) I introduced one of my really good friends to his brother and she is now my sister-in-law in and my ally and my source. We met for lunch a week after the New Year to exchange gifts. She informed me that after they arrived at his Moms my husband didn’t want to talk about what happened. My stepdaughter likes to show off her gifts as most teenagers do, and while they were gathered at the table, trying to talk to my husband she approached and was interrupting and trying to get everyone’s attention on her and her new purse and other gifts. SIL said the table fell silent and there were looks between family members and then chaos. Yelling about how my husband arrived empty-handed &aunts and uncles were yelling at him asking how he could get his daughter such an expensive purse and not get his mother anything. He got upset and loudly responded, he didn’t get his daughter the purse. He got me the purse. His daughter just took the purse. His daughter got upset for being outed and reprimanded by other family members and called her mom to get her.

6.)By the time her mother arrived I had already spoken to her about what happened. She went inside to talk to her father because the story she was getting from her daughter was obviously different. He stated he took her shopping and on the way back she saw the department store bag and looked inside and saw the purse &started begging for it, then started to guilt trip him to give it to her. He told her no and spoke to her about being ungrateful and selfish. She then tried to get him to take her to a friend’s house instead of home which caused another argument because she is grounded due to failing classes and she knows that she’s not allowed to go anywhere. At drop off she just grabbed her bags and exited the car, slamming the door. When he got back to the house, he reached behind the seat to get the bag and noticed it was empty and realized she took the purse anyway. He called her but she didn’t answer and he left a message that she better be ready to give up the purse on Christmas. 7.)Her mother had called him and yelled at him for getting her such an expensive purse when she is failing classes and instead of explaining what happened he just responded that she had no idea what she was talking about and hung up the phone. Her writing her name in the purse was a shock to him and that’s what caused him to pull over at the next gas station. He didn’t want me more upset with her so he opted not to tell me that she stole it and just took blame. 8.) The other gift that he was going to put in the purse- lingerie. It was in a small gift bag on my side of the bed. He was upset when I sent our pitbull Chico downstairs wearing a red nightie.

*Some comments had the misconception that the purse was going to be the first gift he ever gave me and I wanted to clarify that is not true. I posted about him not getting me a gift on my Birthday and Christmas and other occasions. This occurred our first year of marriage.

I planned a dinner for my birthday that included my parents &my siblings, close friends and family. My husband arrived empty handed &over an hour and a half late due to him staying late at work. I kept quiet because I didn’t want a scene and have more attention drawn to him about not getting me anything and being so late. This is same reason I cut him off when he looked around at my gifts and flowers from my guest and started saying “man I feel so bad for not getting you…..” That weekend I woke up to flowers and chocolates sprinkled all over the bed and being taken to breakfast and my husband asking what I still had on my wishlist for my birthday so we could go get it.

On our 1st anniversary I set up a table outside with candles and hung up white lights and was preparing beef Wellington and had a bottle of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries. That morning I woke him up by kissing him &saying Happy Anniversary and told him I have a surprise planned for later. He called me when he should have already been home stating that he picked up an extra load and was excited about how much extra the pay was going to be. We used the extra pay from this and from other extra loads he picked up that coincidentally coincided with special occasions and Holidays to go to Hawaii. It wasn’t until I stopped planning something for him for Father’s Day that he started making an effort on getting gifts ahead of time and remembering special occasions.

When my husband got home from being on the road he took my son and I to eat at a steakhouse and handed each of us a gift bag. Inside were brand new air pods. At first my son was confused because he didn’t have an I phone then came the second surprise- that after we finished eating we were heading to AT&T to get both us new phones. I haven’t really spoken to his daughter but was told that her failing classes and sneaking out has caused a strain on her relationship with her mother. I am not looking for pity or sympathy and I am not a doormat and my husband is not a heartless monster. I am in a much better frame of mind now than I was then. Thank you for taking the time to hear me.