Even though my girlfriend was abusive I still love her a lot and it pains me

We broke up a few days ago, she left me.She had untreated bpd. There were a lot of good moments where I felt loved and happiness but also a lot of bad ones. She would get mad and rage over the smallest things, also a lot of violence. I was scared not to say something “wrong” when talking to her. When she got mad she would punch and slap me. Even asked me to cut myself so she could forgive me when I did something that made her mad, multiple times.

Even so, when I think about her it’s mostly just our happy moments. I feel so sad and it hurts so much. She always blamed me for her unhappiness. I tried to be there for her no matter the hour, I always made the impossible for her. Ignoring my family, friends, going to trips together and paying everything by myself, comforting her when she was crying about her ex and comparing me to him. I know it’s pathetic but I’m so sad about the whole situation

I don’t even know what kind of advice am I looking for, I just don’t want to feel this pain anymore