I Can’t Survive in This World.

I (30F) have been agoraphobic for a year now. It was triggered by developing derealization after going without sleep for six straight days when I was in the hospital. That feeling would strike me out of nowhere while I was driving and soon, the distance I could drive without panicking would get shorter and shorter until I could no longer drive. Now I can’t leave my house at all, even if I’m not driving. I obviously haven’t been working and unfortunately, I have turned to having 5-6 shots a night before bed because it has been the only way I can relax and feel happy despite my life being turned upside down. I’m not the same anymore. I’ve been diagnosed with panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder since I was 13. I did have a six month period of agoraphobia when I was 18 but I’ve been pretty “normal” until last year.

My bf (26) is done with me not contributing to bills and he’s done with my drinking. He has called it quits. I beg him to stay because I know this person I am now is NOT the real me but he’s run out of patience. He doesn’t want to give me any more time to get better. I guess I don’t blame him. I’m just feeling like it’s all over for me. I can’t go out and watch the geese at the park, I can’t go shopping, go out to eat, or do anything I enjoy anymore. Everyone is done with me and I don’t know where to turn anymore. I’ve lost myself and my will to fight.