AITA for choosing family over wife's best friend?

Hi everyone, I just got into a huge fight with my wife regarding attendance of conflicting events.

Her best friend is getting married later this year (east coast), and has told us the dates for about two months now, and we were definitely planning on going (apart from the fact that my wife is the maid of honor). This is a smaller wedding of around 60 people so only people who her friend REALLY wanted to attend got an invite. A few days ago, I was told by my family that we were going to have our grandma's 100 year birthday party on the same day in the west coast.

I thought this was a no brainer and I said if this was any other birthday, I would skip it, but this is to celebrate her 100th, and I would like to attend the big party and she can go to her friend's wedding. Literally the whole family would be there (except her - and my family understands she had a prior obligation) , and many families are travelling from overseas to be in attendance.

My wife is very upset that I had rsvp'ed earlier and that now I'm backing out of attending the wedding. I can't really see what the big point is, since we can each attend the event we find more important to our individual lives.

Her main points are

  • There are so many people attending the party, they won't even know you aren't there
  • You committed to wedding earlier than this event (tbh i didnt even know the party until a few days ago)
  • The fact that I was invited to the small wedding means so much to her friend and would make her sad if I didn't go and were not part of the pictures (I was part of the "must attend" list)
  • Parents told me to attend "if you can" which gives me a pass for not going and not hurting anyone's feeling
  • We are a "unit" so we should be seen together at these big events so it's gonna be weird that I'm alone at my thing and she's alone at her thing

My main points are:

  • I like your friend but I'd prefer to celebrate 100th birthday with which is a milestone for not only my grandma but also for my family
  • I don't like my wife thinking for her friend
  • I want to attend the family event (i feel like this trumps everything all her points)

IDK - I feel like it's a no brainer but she absolutely lost her shit over this and I don't feel like I did anything wrong so i can't even force myself to like try to console her (maybe I'm the asshole for this). Anyways AITA?

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wow so many comments -

CLARIFICATIONS / FAQ -

  1. I have not said yes to the party - this discussion is still ongoing but I want to go to the party
  2. When my folks told me about the party I did say let me get back to you but honestly I completely forgot about the existence of the wedding when I waltzed in and dropped the bomb on my SO
  3. I live in east coast but extended fam lives in west coast
  4. Rescheduling the party is not an option. Elders have a set date near the actual birth date and a LOT of people are involved.
  5. "Why didn't you know it was her bday when you RSVP'ed". I agree I should have known and I wish I had remembered but we were discussing the invite wife was excited / stressed about all of the MOH things she had to plan and do and I RSVP'ed without thinking harder
  6. She did apologize about the grandma remembering stuff and said it was out of anger - she is a sweet person so I'm going to remove it

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UPDATE:

Thanks so much for all of the comments and perspectives - I see where I was the AH to my wife and not be aware or considerate about the amount of stress of being MOH entails. Her job was to ensure that her best friend's day is the best that it can be, and also she was expecting me to be there so it was just the perfect stress storm.

For the reconciliation process - I just laid out what I would like to do which is a different than my usual approach (I like to give wife options and she can choose. She has to choose enough already so it was an attempt on my end to lesson her burdens)

  1. Facetime the bride immediately after the conversation and explain the situation and timeline of events.
  2. Go on a double date to a restaurant that they had on their list for a while
  3. Go with my wife on the morning of the wedding when they start to do all the prep and congratulate her on her wedding, and then take a flight to the west coast. I'll be a little late to the birthday but it's ok.

Wife was still not too happy that I was going to no be at the actual wedding, but understood that things come up and agreed with my plan. She was upset that I didnt remember that it was my grandma's birthday month and there could have been a potential celebration.