I am a failed investment of my parents.

My parents were always open about them seeing me as an investment. They would always talk about return of investment, like how much and when they would start getting back for all the money they have invested in my food, shelter, clothing and education. They used to talk to me like this since I was a child. It was like my parents never saw me as a child and would use these difficult, adult terms to talk to me.

This messed up my brain quite a bit. For example, even today I don't wear new clothes while staying at home because it feels like it is not a good ROI to wear new clothes at home. So there are a lot of new clothes in my wardrobe but I am circulating between the same 4 set of clothes while staying at home. Similarly, I would not allow my parents to keep house help (we are from south-asia) who would come for few hours on schedule and clean the house and do dishes of 1 time because it was my job and if someone else comes and does my job then what is my value in this house?

Now I am older and basically a loser in societal, parental, general and even by my personal standards. My parents call me a beggar and a loser because I am living with them, eating their food and ask money from them too. I do feel disgusted with myself too and regret the past decade that I completely wasted.

But I feel very bad for my parents. I know that they weren't that good parents and basically treated me like a burden very openly. But imagine spending so much time, effort and money on something that you don't even like and then you don't even get a satisfactory result. I would be disappointed too.