Men with a stay at home partner; is it expected that she (or he) “pays you back” when they return to work?

Final edit; Want to send another huge thank you to everyone who reached out. I’m beyond overwhelmed by the response and wish I could reply to you all individually. I appreciate each of you taking time from your day to read and/or respond here. While Im so confident in my decision to leave, I’m also currently in quite the whirlwind (you know, life and dreams falling apart and all) and I already did not have time to be on Reddit, so I do need to step away from this and focus. I have much to do! I will try to remember to update at some point in the future. But honestly, I already feel great about this and have nothing worked out yet… We’re gonna be ok. I just know it.

So many thanks! God bless!

I’ve spent the last 8 years as a stay at home mom for my children, as well as my partners (3 each, 6 total). Of course it’s not without its challenges, but I have loved every minute of it. Aside from internet, tv programs, some groceries, my own phone and car insurance, I do not help out monetarily towards bills or mortgage. My partner makes good money; plenty enough to support his home, however with inflation I know he has been feeling rather burdened. We’re still ok, just tighter than usual. As the children are all getting older/independent I decided to look for work and found a really good job. If you consider pension and others, technically I’m making more than my partner. I thought this would be wonderful for us; and while it’s not “my” house, I was so excited to be able to make double payments to a mortgage each month and help him see the end of it (he bought out his ex during divorce and is paying for the house a second time currently)not. He has accused me of just “using him” over the past 8 years, and that even if I start paying half now, his house will never be mine. (Ok, fine, I don’t actually want this house anyways..) He then drew up a paper with the total of all bills per month (minus groceries), threw it in my face, and said “that’s what you owe me, per month, x 8 years”. I was rather hurt by this and said “oh, my work here is worth zero..?” And he confirmed it is. Because I have not been paying half of anything, apparently I’ve actually been working myself into the red all these years. I’m feeling rather defeated and worthless and have to wonder is this the reality of a stay at home parent? As much as I have loved it, I’m sorry, but I would have chose work. I’ll never crawl myself out of this mountain of debt I didn’t even know I was accumulating. What’s worse is that the household duties are still my responsibility; no one has been helping to cook, clean, laundry, etc. I feel like I’ve got two full time jobs, and absolutely nothing to show for it. Except happy children of course, but I’m drowning now.

Edit; because I’m just absolutely overwhelmed by the response here. Thank you for all of the input. It is so refreshing to see the responses, and I’m starting to feel like maybe I’m not crazy to except some respect for my efforts all these years.

To answer a couple of questions;

We are not married. Common-law. we agreed in the beginning that I would stay home with the children (they were fully homeschooled first 2 years) and take care of the home. It was actually my partners idea, and he was happy with this arrangement. I was also happy with the arrangement of course; what a wonderful gift to be able to stay home with all of our children. I appreciate it so very much.

I pay for those few things in the home with a couple of “side gigs” that I take on while the children are in school now (mostly cleaning, but all just “occasional” work bringing in about $1000 a month total). This was necessary, as he did not cover expenses for my children (first two years I went through my savings); so I still needed my own money, without it effecting my ability to care for the home/children.

Some were wondering how I landed such a great job after such a gap; I am extremely handy at many things, and unless otherwise occupied, I don’t turn away work. Siding, concrete, landscaping, childcare, cooking, painting, cleaning, flooring, cabinetry, etc. all in, these could account for 2 weeks out of my year total, BUT it kept me out in the “workforce” and able to build lasting relationships because my work speaks for itself. This new full time gig comes from one of those relationships.

This job is BRAND new, 3 weeks in, only one pay check. I’m not swimming in extra cash that I could have been contributing to the home while my partner has been drowning in bills... and that first pay check absolutely went all in to the home. My partner is very hardworking and earns great money on his own; I only make more than him if you consider pension and other benefits. I do not get to “take home” any more than he does biweekly unless I were to go OT every week.

The argument arose when I suggested my money could make a double payment to the mortgage. I know that he already paid off this house, then had to buy out the ex at the increased value, and is working so hard to keep a roof over our heads still. I thought it was a kind gesture and one he would appreciate because fuck ya let’s pay this house off double as fast…, but it was not. I have not made any payments towards the mortgage.

We have had many discussions (or rather arguments) since then, and it is quite clear he is stuck in this mindset. I do owe him for the last 8 years. If I don’t pay him back, I was just taking advantage all these years. This home will never be mine, even if I do make up the monetary contribution, because it’s for his children (and I knew it was for his kids going into this, I never wanted his house or money). He ends up in a rant for hours, and doesn’t actually hear anything that I’ve had to say about the matter.

I do know that he has fears surrounding his past with ex-wife, but I’m literally her polar opposite. In every way. If the past 8 years hasn’t been proof enough, I also offered to sign anything saying I don’t want what is his. Not his house, his money, literally nothing. It’s just hurtful that he tries to draw any comparisons whatsoever. The woman who trashed his house when she left. Kept breaking in to steal from him for months afterwards. Took half of everything. Still causes childish issues to this day. I’m constantly helping to pick up the pieces she leaves behind.

You’ll all think I’m stupid but I’d still sign something to that same effect… I want nothing from this man. I won’t total up my work for the past 8 years cause it was all done in love. When I leave, he will get to keep everything that was his, and everything that was ours.

Thank you for all the kind words of support.

** Edit again to add: I have decided to leave. This certainly isn’t the only reason, but just adds to a laundry list I guess. As I’ve been reading comments naturally it’s caused me to do some lots of reflecting (thanks to whoever said I was being loyal to a fault…), and good God…. This man does not even love me. Not sure if he ever did.

Thanks for the wake up call, ya’ll. ❤️

• Ok, probably final edit/update here and I’ll be signing off. Sorry it’s a long one;

After reading so many of you lovely men talk about your loves I Had quite the breakdown/through this afternoon. For real, I read some of your comments and thought “really? Thats not just in the movies?”. Just made me cry so much. And also start taking inventory so to speak. And wtf. I ended up in a controlling and manipulative situation. The more I read, and the longer I think about everything the more things come flooding back to me and I wonder how I ever could have forgotten or just let those things go. Wtaf. How many times I just “keep the peace”. How many times something major would happen and our problems get put to the back burner. I can’t believe this man had me believing that I’m not enough and I’m the one who doesn’t understand how the world works. Like you are all telling me a lot of things I already know; how did I possibly forget and come to feel so worthless? Wtaf.

So after much thought and consideration I decided to talk to my “partner” and boy, oh boy. I know I said I’m leaving, but there was a part of me that HAD to consider the burden he carries. Had to give it that last ditch effort, cause I have actually loved him, and he does work so hard. I know I know, I’m an idiot.

so I started off with I don’t know how to fix things between us, and I feel like we’ve been struggling to communicate effectively. I feel we might benefit from counselling as a means to move forward together on these most present issues. I know you didn’t like the idea before, maybe we can discuss why and figure out a way through it together? He just went off. Like immediate blow up and began accusing me of cheating and that “someone else must be putting ideas in my head”. I tried to understand where he was coming from with those accusations/assure him this is obviously not the case, but he didn’t make much sense and continued on. Apparently he has been “hearing good things about me” through the grapevine, and he is livid about it. Apparently I’m doing very good for a beginner in my position, and am a very hard worker. I asked why this was a bad thing but he glossed over it and continued on about all the different contractors who have taken notice of me and like my work”. He suggested it had something to do with my looks; everyone’s only talking about me cause I’m “pretty” and have big boobs. I asked if that’s what they’ve been talking about, “my face and tits? because you actually made it sound like they just mentioned how hard I work/quickly I take on to things brand new to me. Which one is it?” (And irrelevant, but you cannot see my figure in winter work gear. Just no…) Again, glossed over. He demanded to see my phone and any conversations with coworkers/boss. I only have boss’ number so this was quick and painless, but he didn’t stop there. Then he accused me of deleting messages, cause I probably knew he was going to go through my phone. What? As far as I know, he has never, so this thought wouldn’t have crossed my mind in a million years. Also I have nothing to hide. So giver, anytime. Anyways, I suggested we take a break and come back to the conversation when we’ve both had a chance to cool down, but he lost it and said might as well use all this passion!! So now apparently I’m texting men from work. I must be talking to someone. My attitude has changed. And something is “off”.. I tried my best to assure him this is not the case, I would never cheat, have never given him reason to doubt, I love him, etc etc but. Then He began to compare me to his ex wife. truly there is no comparison. None. so I just said “that’s beneath me. As has been most of this conversation. I have no response for you.” And walked away. That really set him off and he followed; now I’m a “spoiled brat”, and he started in about money. How I haven’t contributed anything, blah blah. I said I was sorry he saw it that way, but I have contributed a ton to this home. My efforts are worth more than you’ll ever know. (No, I did not throw numbers or a bill in his face, sorry to disappoint…) so then his tone changes and he starts complimenting everything I do in the home, how wonderful I am, great lady, wonderful cook, takes fantastic care of the kids, he’s always got clean clothes to wear and never has to search for anything, “woman of her word”, etc. but then his argument is that he affords me that luxury. He buys the laundry soap for me to do the laundry. He buys majority groceries for me to cook. He pays the bills so the lights and heat stay on. He pays the mortgage so a roof is over head for me to be able to clean. If his children weren’t here full time, I wouldn’t be looking after them (no kidding… you don’t say….) If he went away, so would all of it. He went as far as to say that I should suck up to his children so I have someone to take care of me when he’s gone. That he hasn’t “needed” me for a long time and I should have grabbed this full time gig a long time ago to start paying my way (his eldest 15 now and could easily have started to babysit the younger siblings a few years ago., if he was responsible enough for such a task…..) That maybe he could let me off the first few years, but anything after that has been usury on my part. He could literally train a monkey to do everything I do (as he grabbed a rag and sloppily pushed it around the table). I had stopped talking entirely for about an hour at this point, so he said “oh, nothing to say now huh. Gotta go talk it out with someone else first right? You talking to a quack already?” (I only assume he meant therapist). I said it’s clear you don’t love me, so I am leaving. He got very angry “I don’t love you?!”and started naming all the things he pays for that should show his love (the home and food and laundry detergent etc…..) screaming that I’m an ungrateful b, unappreciative and disrespectful, miserable person who complains about everything (which is soooooo so far from the truth it is laughable…). I should be thanking him for the gift he’s given me of staying home all this time and I better start pulling some OT or I’ll be in the red forever. I should thank him for letting me work in an Industry surrounded by men. Etc etc Etc then demanded I tell him the name of the man I’m running away to live with. I couldn’t possibly take care of myself, and must be going to mooch off of someone else right away. He grabbed my drink from the table, threw it at the window and then demanded I clean it up since that’s my responsibility in the home. Said absolutely the fuck not, you do not get to throw things and act like a toddler and expect I’ll pick up the pieces. Can hardly describe it but I physically felt my feelings for him disappear in an instant. Nothing there whatsoever; not even heartbreak left, just… completely dead to me. Was staring at a stranger. Maybe the heartbreak will come later? Idk. Right now I’m on cloud nine so who cares about tomorrow.

Some of you guessed it right; now that I’ve said I’m leaving, he would actually like me to stay and he is sorry… and he cleaned the window/mess he made. he really does appreciate what I do around here, but I really need to appreciate and respect everything he does as well. It’s a two way street, ya know? And maybe he doesn’t really like me working full time, cause he appreciates the house stuff more than money, but he’s definitely not willing to do counseling. We can work it out ourselves without help from the quacks. All I could do was laugh… I said “horseshit” and left for a drive.

To make clear; we do not have any children together and not legally married. I can, and intend, to just up and go with my children and our belongings. I have already LITERALLY wasted 8 years. Not another more. Not to take him to court. Not to “get what’s mine”. Not for anything. Just done and gone. I do not owe him, nor do I feel owed. End of story. Start of a new one. Now I’m going to work extra hard.

It hit me that I never even celebrated my new job. I didn’t get to be excited about it because it was about me “working with men” from the very start. I just started a fucking great CAREER. After an 8 year gap. The shock towards this made me realize it’s actually kind of a big deal! Feels like nothing compared to the past 8 years, but truly a great opportunity for the future of my family. I should be proud. I am proud!

I can’t even explain the pep in my step right now. This pain I’ve had in my abdomen for years is just gone out of nowhere. I feel like myself again. I’m singing again!!! when and why did I ever stop singing?!? who cares.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to every single one of you wonderful men that reached out with words of encouragement, support, advice, etc. and especially to those of you who were extra harsh with it lol. Reminded me of my big brother. Much appreciated. if I ever love again, I pray for a love as fierce as some of you have shown within your responses regarding your lovely wives (and even those of you unmarried who chimed in about your future wives/mother of children🥹) It’s been eye opening, overwhelming and so refreshing.

I’m going to continue to work my ass off and give my children the best life. We’re going to be great, I just know it.

God bless you all!!!!