My boundaries were not as important as hers

“Fuck your boundaries,” she (24F) told me (24M) when I’d asked her to stop cussing at me during heated arguments. Despite all this, I thought of our “amazing” memories earlier in the courting phase of our relationship.

I held on to this idea of her… a woman so sweet, so nice.. I thought she’s my soulmate. She often told me that she never wanted to break up with me and that she sees me in her future. This was the fantasy I wanted to be true.

Near the end of our 3 year long relationship, I finally had enough and broke up with her through text after suffering and crying in my bed because of abusive memories of her.

Here are things that she made me question about myself:

• Am I autistic? (The gaslighting was so bad, I thought there was something I could not see. My therapist diagnosed me with mild autism because I was so convinced I was. No one has ever thought I was autistic my whole life)
  • Am I unlovable? She rarely reciprocated, and when she did, it felt that she was doing it for her.
  • Am I unnatractive? We had sex no more than I can count with my two hands during our 3 year relationship (ldr but we did see each other multiple times a month with many opportunities). The root cause of this was her past trauma, she liked to give me hope that we will have sex often.

Some notable toxic events: * She cussed at me and I asked her why. I don’t cuss at her. She said, “it feels like you’re cussing at me even though you’re not. I know it hurts you so I do it.” * I wanted to see her and give her a visit when she was sick. She threw accusations of me wanting to intimately touch her(due to her past trauma) and got very angry at me. I was the one who ended up apologizing. * I like to be flirty and playful. She tried to hold my hand and I playfully pulled away. This led to her blowing up on me, closing her front door on me, and leaving me in her driveway after we just spent a whole weekend in Vegas paid for by me.

I’m still sad and scared I’ve lost someone who I thought was my best friend, but I know this is the best path forward. I need to work on myself. My low self esteem allowed me to be a victim.

I’ve never shared these with anyone. I admit that writing this made me feel and see how toxic it was.