Today was a hard one

I'm posting here in an effort to not burn out my wonderful support network. I've had good days and bad since we stopped talking completely, and today was really tough. The intrusive thoughts are torture. I don't think I was able to go ten minutes today without thinking of her. I'm really working to do things to distract myself, but my brain just won't leave me alone.

I miss her so much. Grieving what I thought we might have had and missing the wonderful person she was for a while there. I guess I'm also blaming myself for how she shifted in the way she treated me. It doesn't help that she's repeatedly told me that she only gets triggered by me and doesn't argue with anyone else the way she argues with me. Makes it really really hard to not take it personally and blame myself, and then subsequently play out all the ways I could have handled things differently.

I have a strong hunch that she would have found reasons to criticize and beat up on me regardless of what I did, but I'm still obsessing and kicking myself.

And wishing there was something I could do to get her to go back to the sweet, kind, wonderful person she used to be. She became a completely different person. The cognitive dissonance is a real bitch.

Felt good to type this out though. Much love to this group as always.