It’s still so hard

I’ve had good days and bad but today is particularly bad. It’s been over six months since we last spoke. Prior to that things had been in a situationship place for a while. We had a huge fight and said she needed space because I triggered her too much and didn’t respect her needs and boundaries (which were never all that clearly defined and which it felt like she changed frequently).

About three months ago she texted me with a pretty generic “hope you’re well let me know if you might want to catch up sometime” text, which I didn’t respond to, because it felt so half-assed and like it was ignoring where we’d left things (she had treated me terribly in our last few conversations and acknowledged as much).

It’s been really hard lately. I miss her so much. The sweet kind loving funny her that I used to have access to, until she told me that arguing with me made her feel like she wasn’t herself, the very self I loved and wanted so badly to be with.

I’m starting to feel hopeless and scared that I won’t ever come back from this one. Even on this sub I hear from people who start to turn it all around after a few months. This has been happening off and on with her for years now and I don’t see an end in sight to the pain. I’m ashamed that I’m still struggling as much as I am. I’m in therapy, trying to exercise and keep busy. But I miss her so much and I don’t want to be with anyone but her. I obsess about her night and day, and replay the conversations wishing I’d handled them differently. And I don’t know how to make it stop. It’s like my brain is against me.

I want to be free of her but I’m honestly starting to fear that I may never be.