When does it get better?

Mainly just coming here to get some thoughts off my chest.

I've had good days, stretches where there's hope and I don't think about her as much. But then it feels like I completely backslide and have to start over again. That's where I am now. Days like this I literally cannot stop thinking about her, every waking minute. It's torture.

It's been so long that I've been trying to heal. I'm doing all the things I know I'm supposed to do- therapy, exercise, meditation, meds, plant medicines. I make plans with friends and try to distract myself. But here I am and I can't stop thinking about her. Replaying the fights and the memories, wishing I'd done things differently, wishing she would realize how she treated me and try to repair things. The hard part is that she did it once before, took full accountability and told me how wonderful I am and how sorry she was. So I know she's capable. But that was over two years ago so I need to let that go I think.

Intellectually I know that she's bad for me, that reconnecting will only cause pain. But the feeling won't go away and the obsessing won't stop. I still get so anxious and panicky and long for her so much. I know, focus on me, heal the old wounds she activated. But I've been trying, for so long, and here I am again.

I've also worn out all of my friends's patience, I can't even really talk to them about it anymore, they don't know how to help me and I can tell they're growing tired of trying. It's so isolating. Ultimately I feel like no one can help me but me. But even I don't know what to do anymore.

It feels hopeless right now. I want to get out of this but I honestly just don't know how. I'm ashamed that I'm still here. My brain feels like it's against me.

I want to date new people. I'm trying it out with someone right now, but I still think about my ex and that doesn't feel good. Part of me thinks I need to hold off, keep healing. But I've been dealing with it for so long, I haven't really dated anyone for a year and half. How much longer do I have to wait?

I love this group, it means so much to me. You all mean so much to me. My heart goes out to all of you, I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone and I'm so sorry that all of us have had to deal with the utter destruction these people cause. I feel like a total shell of myself and I have for a long time.

I just want it to stop.

Anyway, rant over. Sending love and healing to all of you.