Finding my anger

I've had such a hard time accessing my anger towards her, even though everyone else in my life has had no problem being furious on my behalf for the many ways she was outright cruel to me. But lately I've finally started to actually get mad, which I'm taking as a good sign in my healing.

It really is absurd. Everything was always entirely my fault, yet she was the one usually treating me like shit. And the more I apologized the more I'd get hit with more anger and accusations. Never in the final year did I get any ownership or accountability, aside from a passing "Yeah sorry about that" or "That was maybe fucked up I guess, but you...." And she would say things like, "I can be a handful."

It's absurd when I think about it. She also actively refused to resolve or repair things, probably because doing so would mean acknowledging her part in the epic pain she caused me. It's like she would go out of her way to not make up with me, to never forgive me for things.

Sure there are things I wish I'd done differently, moments I didn't handle perfectly. I'm human and I'm flawed. But I won't let her paint me black. I'm a kind compassionate person and I always tried to validate her, yet she accused me of the opposite, saying I never validated her. It's maddening. I was always the one trying to own my part, and even for that I was never forgiven. It's like she wanted to stay mad, like she relished in it. She was incredible at keeping score, holding onto anything I'd ever done that upset her. And was happy to pull out the list whenever she was upset.

There was a night we got into it. She was pulling out resentments over things that had happened a year ago, that she'd never told me had upset her at the time. Told me she was a more compassionate person than I was. I'd always done everything in my power to not get angry, to try and stay calm and hear her and reason with her (not healthy on my part I now realize). But my anger finally boiled over and I yelled. Not at her. I took several steps away from her and yelled to the heavens and then immediately collected myself and came back and apologized, told her I had some anger come up and that I needed to vent it. It was literally the only time I ever really let my anger out. But that was it. I had done something unforgivable. I was now the monster. She shut me out for weeks and then told me I broke something and that she wasn't sure she could ever look me in the face again after that. And that it wasn't okay. And I identified with it. I really did feel like a horrible person. I beat myself up for months about it, and still sometimes do. And because of that I'll regret that moment for the rest of my life.

But it's also bullshit. She raged at me countless times, abused me, traumatized me, and I always came back around and forgave her. But I lose my cool once, for three seconds, not even directed at her, and that's it. Never forgave me.

It's not kind. In fact it's a very cruel way to engage with someone you claim to care so much about. And the last time I tried to request that we have a kind, calm, empathetic conversation to try and hear each other and heal some things, she once again treated me like shit, then completely shut me out, told me to stop talking to her, and moved on.

It's fucked up and it's gaslighting and I'm finally getting pissed about it. And I think that's a good thing.