Hope Dies Last

Today was a tough one, as I'm sure it was for a lot of you.

I'm feeling a lot of shame on top of everything else because I haven't seen her in a year now. We haven't spoken for seven months. It's been a long time. And I'm still hurting. I still think about her at some point every day. And I still have this hope. I know, I need to lose it. I need to accept the reality of the situation.

And some days I almost sorta do. I pull out of the list of horrible things and try to remember why she doesn't deserve me, why I don't want her. I can tell myself to let it go, give up hope, but days like today something in me just won't do it. I try to live my life but she's always there on the periphery of my attention, waiting for a quiet moment to drop back into my mind. I just fucking miss her (and I hate that I still miss someone who treated me so poorly...) This situation really devastated my mental health.

I'm ashamed and also the fact that it's been a year scares me. If it still hurts this much this far out what is wrong with me and what am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm trying everything. I'm in therapy, working on myself, exercising, trying to move forward. But days like today it starts to feel hopeless.

Has anyone else struggled for this long?

Big hugs to all of you going through it.