I am not The OOP, OOP is u/PurpleWo1

WIBITA for not wanting to participate in my family’s "one gift swap" Christmas idea?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior, PTSD, favoritism

Original Post  Nov 2, 2024

So, last night, I (22M) went with my mom to visit my brother, Leaf (27M), at his apartment. My other brother, Dax (24M), was also there. We were hanging out, eating, and just catching up since it's rare we’re all free at the same time.

Christmas is going to be weird this year because for the first time, we’re not all spending it together. Dax is spending the holiday with his in-laws, wife, and kids, and Leaf is doing the same. I’ll be with my mom, stepdad, my partner, and grandma. We’re planning to get together sometime after Christmas so we can all see each other, but it’s not the same.

Anyway, while we were talking, Dax brought up an idea he’s really excited about: he wants us all to spend $50 on a single gift, wrap it in neutral wrapping paper, and then do a gift swap. The way it works is the first person picks a gift, and each person after can either pick a new gift or “steal” an opened one. At the end, the first person gets one last chance to swap with anyone if they want.

The thing is... I really don’t want to do this. To me, Christmas isn’t about receiving gifts; it’s about giving them. I love spending time picking out something thoughtful for each person, something I think will genuinely make them happy. Seeing their reactions means a lot to me. This “one gift swap” thing just feels too impersonal and, honestly, kind of corporate.

And before anyone asks, no, my brother isn’t tight on money. He's actually pretty well-off, much more than me, but that’s not the point.

So, WIBTA if I told my brother I’d rather not participate in his gift swap idea? I’d still love to give everyone personal gifts, but I just don’t want to do this impersonal gift exchange. It just doesn’t feel right to me.

  -

EDIT****

Wow, I wasn’t expecting so many replies, and I can’t respond to everyone, so I thought it would be best to put this all in an edit. Anyway, everyone in my family is pretty well off, including all of Dax's in-laws, Leaf and his in-laws, etc. Leaf and his wife aren’t really into the idea of doing White Elephant this year, and neither are my mom or stepdad. We all know how complicated Christmas gets as the family grows, and we’d honestly prefer to do Secret Santa instead.

Also, just for context, Dax’s mother-in-law is outright refusing to participate in White Elephant and is insisting on an expensive gift instead. If she doesn’t get one, she won’t come to their Christmas celebration, which is just adding to the drama. My brother Dax can be very controlling, and most of the time we just let him have his way because it’s easier than dealing with the tension if he doesn’t. He tends to make everyone uncomfortable if things aren’t exactly how he wants them.

My mom also isn’t thrilled about doing White Elephant because of what happened last year. She and my grandma booked a holiday home in Salem for Christmas, with my mom covering about 90% of the cost and my grandma pitching in around 10%. But then my brothers ended up getting our grandma a gift to thank her while giving nothing to our mom, who had covered most of the expenses. To make it worse, Dax and Leaf both got their mothers-in-law expensive gifts, but didn’t even think to give our mom something small. My mom isn’t materialistic at all; she’d be happy with just a thank-you card. But that’s part of why she’s not on board with White Elephant this year.

For me, I’d rather skip getting a gift altogether than end up with something I don’t want. So, this year, I’ve decided to focus on gifts for my partner (it’s her second Christmas with us, and her family doesn’t celebrate), as well as gifts for my mom, stepdad, grandma, and all the nieces and nephews.

At the end of the day, we just want to find a middle ground that works for everyone. We’re hoping Dax can feel satisfied too, but we’ll see. I’ll keep you updated on any compromises or what ends up happening in December.

Update  Nov 27, 2024

So, I posted here a while back about this (WIBTA for not wanting to do my family’s “one gift swap” Christmas idea). Well, buckle up because here’s the update. - You can find the original on my page.

TL;DR Recap:

My brother Dax (24M) suggested doing white elephant for Christmas instead of exchanging individual gifts. This idea was... not well-received. I (22M) am in a family group chat with Dax, my other brother Leaf (27M), their wives Megan (29F) and Blaire (27F), our mom (61F), stepdad (60M), grandma (79F), stepsisters Edie (22F) and Tatum (19F), and my partner Maeve (23F)—who isn’t in the chat but is VERY relevant here. Dax announced his idea like a dictator issuing a decree, not like, “Hey, thoughts?”

Let’s just say... the family vibes have been shaken.

What Went Down:

A few days ago, Grandma told us Dax had something “important” to share. Turns out, it was him rehashing the white elephant plan, complete with rules. And not like, “What do you guys think?”—more like “This is what we’re doing, no discussion.”

Here’s the thing about Dax: he’s a control freak. Last year, he strong-armed us into Secret Santa, which most of us hated but didn’t challenge because... you don’t mess with Dax. This year, I decided to grow a spine and said, “Hey, this isn’t fun for most of us. White elephant feels corporate and joyless—it’s not what Christmas means to our family.” I even suggested sticking to Secret Santa if the issue is cost.

Apparently, this was blasphemy.

The Fallout:

Not long after, Mom called me in tears. She admitted the white elephant idea made her feel awful. She said it hurts that her sons don’t want to buy her a Christmas gift anymore, especially when she does so much for everyone. She then went full mom mode in the group chat:

1. She said she doesn’t like the white elephant idea because she loves personal gift-giving.
2. She directly asked Megan and Blaire if they planned to skip individual gifts for their own families too.

Both Megan and Blaire said, “Oh no, we’ll still get individual gifts for our families!” Cue Mom’s second call to me—angrier and sadder. She feels like she’s being treated as a second-class family member by her sons, who’ll put effort into gifts for their in-laws but can’t be bothered for her. (And honestly? She has a point. My brothers either buy her last-minute junk or forget entirely.)

Maeve and the Stepsisters Join the Rebellion:

I called Maeve to vent, and she was fuming. She’s been budgeting over $300 to get thoughtful gifts for everyone (first Christmas with my family, wants to make a good impression). She said if it’s going to be white elephant, it’s a waste—her gifts won’t even go to the right people.

Meanwhile, my stepsisters Edie and Tatum jumped in to say they also hate the white elephant idea. Edie even called it “lazy” on Dax’s part. (Hero.) Dax, feeling the heat, proposed a vote: White elephant or Secret Santa. By this point, though, I was done. I dropped out entirely, and so did Edie, Tatum, Maeve, Mom, Stepdad, and Grandma.

Enter Blaire, the Plot Twist Queen:

Blaire suddenly chimed in with a new idea: “Since so many people are dropping out, let’s just do gifts for the kids.” She framed it like a compromise, but really, it was her way of shutting down the adults entirely. Dax, Leaf, and Megan jumped on board, and Dax declared, “Christmas is only for kids.”

Okay, sure, Dax. 🙄

Where Things Stand:

So now? It’s chaos. Mom, Maeve, Edie, Tatum, and I have decided we’ll exchange gifts with each other. We’re still getting presents for the kids because they’re innocent in all this, but Dax, Leaf, Megan, and Blaire? They’re getting nothing from us.

Christmas plans are totally up in the air, and honestly, this whole thing has killed the holiday vibe for me. It’s a mess, and while it’s not the resolution I wanted, at least I know who’s on Team Christmas Spirit.

Final Thoughts:

If Christmas is “just for kids” now, then Dax, Leaf, Megan, and Blaire can go be kids together. Meanwhile, I’ll be over here with my mom, stepsisters, and Maeve, celebrating with love, laughter, and thoughtful gifts—

So yeah. Not the happy update, but there it is.

Thoughts? Am I still the a-hole? (Also, any tips for surviving awkward family Christmas dinners would be much appreciated…) 🎄

Update 2  Nov 28, 2024

Holy freakin’ shit… my brother might be in debt…

I’m at work right now, so sorry for any grammar mistakes. I’m literally typing this on my phone while heading back to my desk. But yeah...

So yeah, Dax finally came clean to my mom about why he’s been pushing the whole secret Santa thing last year and this white elephant deal this year. Turns out, he’s drowning in debt.

Apparently, Dax and his wife Megan have been spending like they’re loaded—fancy vacations, high-end crap, you name it. They’ve almost maxed out their credit cards trying to live like they’re in a Real Housewives episode. Now they’re up to their eyeballs in debt.

Dax admitted to my mom that he’s dealing with some heavy PTSD and said he’s going to start therapy because he’s lost and doesn’t know what to do. My mom told him straight up: he’s gotta quit blowing money like this and walk away from this stupid deal on the new house they’re trying to buy.

But Dax being Dax…he’s not listening. He’s terrified his friends and co-workers are gonna judge him if he doesn’t keep up this whole “rich guy” act. Like, dude, nobody cares as much as you think they do. Egos are wild, huh?

Look, I feel bad for my brother, I really do. But at the same time, how do you spend money like it’s Monopoly cash and not think it’s gonna catch up to you? Still, I wish I could help him. I can’t help financially—I don’t make much—but I can at least help him and Megan with the kids so they can maybe figure this mess out.

As for Christmas, I tried to be petty. I thought about only buying gifts for the family members not doing this white elephant nonsense, plus my nieces and nephews. But my guilt kicked in, so I ended up getting something for Dax, Megan, Leaf, and Blaire too. I know they’re probably not gonna get me anything, but whatever. Christmas isn’t about presents anyway.

I just hope Dax wakes up from this and learns to stop spending money he doesn’t have. But I can’t say that to him, you know? Younger brother and all that.

Anyway, holy shit. If there’s another update, I’ll post. Hope you guys have a good holiday.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Con4America

YTA  No gifts for anyone would have been better.  You are just enabling the tow of them.

OOP

You can see it that way, but like I said, I don’t care if I get gifts or not. I just like giving personal gifts. I love buying things for people because gift-giving is my love language. The whole point of my original post was that I was upset my brother was taking away my choice to buy gifts for people and trying to dictate what everyone else does. I didn’t want to do a white elephant exchange because I don’t like buying generic gifts. I want to get each person something I know they’ll like—not something that’ll just sit on a shelf collecting dust or get re-gifted to someone else. Like I said, I love buying gifts for people. I’m not in it for what I get in return.

P.S I’m going to do everything I can to help my brother and his family. I’m planning to pick up an extra job or two so I can make some more money and help him out with his debt.

This is what I’ve always done—I help my family and friends get out of their debt messes because my two main love languages are gift-giving and acts of service. Of course, I don’t want my brother to suffer, but I do hope he sees this as a learning experience and appreciates what he has...

Chaoticgood790

So not only are you enabling them but you’re getting a job to help them from their own mess.

I hope you’re a troll bc you are an idiot if not

OOP

Look, it’s a complicated situation. I’ve always been the kind of person who wants to take on everyone’s problems, figure out what’s bothering them, and fix it. I’m a fixer, that’s just how I am. I worry about Dax. We don’t have the best relationship, and we didn’t really talk much after he moved out seven years ago. But whenever he’s had trouble, I’ve done what I could to help.

I’m worried he might start drinking again because of the stress and depression. He’s been sober for two years now, and I’m really proud of him for that. But I don’t know what to do. Part of me thinks I should step back and let him handle this himself since he’s the one who got himself into this mess. But another part of me just wants to fix it all, figure it out, and make everything okay. Honestly, I feel like crying because I feel so bad for my brother. I don’t want to enable him, but I also don’t want him to suffer. Nothing about this is black and white—it’s all shades of gray.

Final update  Nov 29, 2024

This will be my final update on this post, and honestly, probably my last post on Reddit for a while. I’m planning to sign out and focus on dealing with everything going on.

It’s super late here, and I just got back from seeing my mom. Apparently, someone sent her the post, and she told me she was disappointed—not in a harsh way, but because I’ve been carrying the weight of trying to fix my brother Dax’s issues all on my own. I don’t know why, but hearing her say it made something in me finally break. I realized I’ve been struggling so much internally without even noticing.

My mom said she could tell something was wrong because I’ve stopped eating properly and, in her words, “look like a Victorian child.”

I didn’t fully realize how much stress I’ve been carrying until now. She reminded me that it’s not my job to take on all of this. She also said that Dax, as stubborn and impulsive as he is, will figure out his own mess in time.

On top of that, my mom’s been talking to Dax directly about everything. She suggested that he and his partner consider backing out of the house deal and looking for somewhere cheaper. She reassured him that no one would think any less of him for doing so.

As for the Christmas situation, we’ve decided to cancel the gift swaps with the original group that wanted to do the White Elephant exchange. I’m planning to save the gifts I had for them and give them out on their birthdays instead.

I’ve also made a big decision to step back from my family for a while and focus on moving forward with my plans to relocate my job to Zurich. I care about Dax and always will, but I need to start being less “selfless” and more “selfish” about my own life.

Dax is smart. He’ll figure things out. I’ll be there to support him emotionally and morally, but I’ve decided I can’t support him financially anymore.

Thanks to everyone who’s followed along and offered advice. I’ve made another big decision to check myself into therapy to address the depression and mental health struggles I’ve been ignoring for years. It’s time to stop pushing that aside and finally deal with it.

Take care, everyone.

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