FinalUpdate: AIO? My fiancé asked me not to wear white to our wedding.

Updates are below as UPDATE #1 and UPDATE#2 FINAL UPDATE Please do not comment on OOP post. I am not the OOP. It was posted on r/AmIOverreacting by u/Past-Professional384

original post 12/11/24

Have you ever seen “I love a mommas boy?” Well that’s my life basically.

I (27F) have been with my fiancé John (28F) since high school. We dated and broke up because his mother “Debbie” (53F) convinced him we were too young to be in love. We broke up and went to college. During my sophomore year we started talking on socials again. He apologized and said he missed me. We got back together.

Cue the water works. Debbie literally CRIED the first time she saw we were back together and told John that I have done witchcraft on him???? I’ve always respected Debbie out of respect for my mother and upbringing. I was not raised to go back and forth with my elders but she definitely abuses that.

Since John and I decided to get back together she has tried to hook him up with women from her church, her job and even asks her friends for their daughters to give it a shot. John denies all of them and Debbie says that I’m controlling. John has told her to stop but not in a way I feel she gets the point.

Anyway, 3 months ago John proposed. Deb didn’t come to the engagement party. Cool. She didn’t come to the family dinner we had so both sides could meet. Cool. John’s dad came and apologized for his ex’s behavior (he left her when John graduated HS) I told him don’t worry about it.

The problems really began when John decided to confront his mother about how she’s behaving toward our whole engagement. This turned on the lightbulb in his brain as he’s always tried to ignore it and tell me to ignore her. She gave him a sob story about how she got pregnant with him before marriage and never really got to have a wedding and this is triggering her. (She had a shotgun wedding at the court house) He asked her what she needed to feel comfortable and she responded that if she wore white and I wore a soft pink or lavender she would feel comfortable???

My fiancé for some reason though this was a fair compromise??? He also said (not asked) that his mom could walk me down the aisle so she can get her moment in her dress. I told him absolutely not and we got into an argument about it. I told him that it’s insane that he would argue with me to defend his moms “honor” but wouldn’t do the same the other way around. He accused me of being petty and selfish. It was bad. We both have agreed to cool off but by how heated it got I could tell we both almost agreed to call it off.

Now we’re in a weird space and I love John but now see how much he lets her impact our life. I just imagine her sitting at home with this evil grin knowing she’s ruining my relationship with John and he’s just putty in her hands. I think I should just call off the wedding. AIO? Or is it just a color?

top comments

duckysmomma This isn’t about a dress color, it’s about control and possibly a dash of humiliation. Do you really want to put down roots, start a family, with a man willing to bend backwards for his mommy to the point of telling his bride she can’t wear white but his mom gets the glory?! I shudder to think what having kids with this man would look like.

colicinogenic He can marry his mother in her white dress then. What an absolutely unhinged request. Any self respecting man would be appalled to even bring this to his intended bride.

anon466544 You’re not overreacting. But do you want a husband who will prioritise his mothers feelings over yours? Because this will not change after you get married. This is him showing you his priorities.

UPDATE #1 on 12/12/24

H ey everyone, not sure if this is the update everyone wanted but this is what happened since my last post:

I laid out a couple of talking points that I couldn’t articulate over the rage. I met up with John after work at home. (I was at the gym letting off steam) We spoke on everything and made plans to speak to his mother. John came home remorseful. He told me he was anxious about it and brought it up to a coworker/friend about how I don’t want to comprise. Apparently his friend (god bless his soul) went off on him about him being cringy. This angered me. So when I say it it’s a problem but another man tells you and now you see the other side? I brought up my talking points

Him being easily being manipulated. This was also proved when I said he would listen to whatever another man said before his partner. even though his friend agreed with me, it hurt that he didn’t listen to ME.

His mom going out of her way to break us up with this silly request. He was way more open to this theory now knowing how cringe he looks even telling this situation to someone else. I compared it to a father removing a brides wedding garter. He got the point.

Him agreeing to his moms crazy request before even talking to me. He claimed he didn’t. That he told her he’ll see how I feel about it and just brought it up to me. I asked why did he not see that his mother walking down the aisle on HIS wedding day was extremely creepy? He said it’s just a dress in his eyes. He just didn’t want his mom to miss the wedding. I told him there will be no wedding if he doesn’t straighten up. He said he understood.

Me showing him how blatantly obvious it was she hates me. She didn’t even ask to wear white alongside me (which is still weird) but that I don’t wear white at all as if I’m some impure whore. (Thanks Reddit because I wasn’t even thinking of that one) he said he didn’t see it that way, he just knew she hasn’t been showing up because she said seeing me in white hurts her. So I said do you not hear your own mom saying she wants to be the bride herself? That she can’t stand it being me? It finally looked like a ding 💡 went off in his head.

Me asking him what role would she play in our wedding, childbirth, Mother’s Day and everything to come? Would I always come 2nd place? He assured me I wouldn’t and he realizes how bad he fucked up. He was just trying to keep the peace. I asked by always making her happy and making me miserable? I refuse to live my life this way. He agreed and said he was sorry and that he wouldn’t want me to be miserable. We have no children yet but we created a plan and how to deal with any big milestone. She won’t be there for anything unless I’m comfortable with it. And I won’t be unless she does a 180.

I asked what did his mom say to change his mind and you all guessed it… she cried. She cried about how her baby was getting taken away from her. How she never got her wedding. How his dad left her and she was alone and had no one else. That she felt sick and just wanted to experience a real wedding before she “dies” (she is perfectly healthy unless there’s something she hasn’t told us?) l just told him if that was enough to manipulate him what’s to say he won’t turn on me again? He said his friend and dad talked sense into him about how he was going to lose me. I told him today was the last straw for me. He had to do 4 things to keep me engaged to him IF HE EVEN CARED TO:

Go LC with his mom and do not let her make any decisions on our wedding. Which will be postponed another year to see if he actually sticks to his word. He has to go to counseling. Individually and couples counseling. He has to speak to his mom WITH ME PRESENT about her behavior toward me because every time he goes by himself he comes back with a reason why he left it alone. He must create strong boundaries and learn to uphold them. He agreed.

Then came the bad part. I showed him the post. I felt so bad as he read everyone rip him to shreds in the comments. I could see how uncomfortable he was as he read how much of a mommas boy he was and other things about his mom. He was hurt that I agreed that I should leave in some comments. He read for a few minutes until he saw someone call him a “spineless C U Next Tuesday” and then gave my phone back. He said it was really harsh but I had to show him how crazy the situation sounded even if it was just to keep the peace on a surface level. Him reading the post was icing on the cake. He said he saw everyone telling me to leave and his heart physically started hurting knowing that he deserved it.

We called his dad (who I’m no longer calling future FIL because I will call this wedding off tomorrow if he doesn’t have my back when we speak to his mom.) John’s dad Dan who I’ll name since he’s an big part of this update. Dan also read John the riot act again. He was relieved John decided to get his act together. We agreed to go to Deb’s house tomorrow with Dan and John’s Aunt. My dad is tagging along.

John has said he will tell his mother that she can’t under any circumstances make our wedding about her. He also said if she does cry or try to guilt trip him he will tell her he’s going NC.

I feel terrible as getting a man to stop talking to his mother isn’t something I ever thought I even wanted. I doubt Debbie will come around especially not tomorrow with all of us against her. I don’t know if John will backtrack as soon as he gets there. I have explained if he doesn’t grow a spine I’m leaving. He either can marry me or marry his mom. But that’s my ultimatum. He said he chooses me. We’ll see I guess. This all should make me happy but I still feel icky.

I’ll update tomorrow after we all talk to Debbie.

UPDATE #2 FINAL UPDATE 12/13/24

Hey everyone, I’m back with the LAST update. This is a bit long so buckle up!

Some people reached to disrespect me. I honestly don’t care if you don’t believe my story or find me annoying, but messaging me calling me names, being disrespectful and/or saying I shouldn’t wear white to my own wedding is classless. I won’t respond and I genuinely hope you all get the help you need for whatever trauma makes you that much of an angry person.

To all the people who have reached out with positive vibes and advice, thank you so much you cutie patooties!!!!

Anyway John and I met up after work and we headed to pick up Dan. John’s Aunt couldn’t make it. My dad was meeting us there. I had really bad anxiety. I told Dan and Dad they should give us a few before knocking so she doesn’t feel ambushed. They agreed.

Here’s the part everyone was waiting for:

We get to Debbie’s. My heart feels like I’m going up the world’s tallest roller coaster slowly. John is quiet. We get there and he gives her a firm but respectful “hey mom.” We sit down and John tells her we came to talk to her. She asked “what’s wrong?” John got right into it. He bluntly said to her that her actions toward me for years have been petty. Her not showing up for any of our wedding events was unacceptable to him. He flat out asked her why does she have a problem with me?

I genuinely thought he was going to start with the dress situation. He went for the root of it all.

Debbie acted like she had no idea what he was talking about. She has actively tried to get him to cheat/leave me for other women but in that moment was “shocked” and “doesn’t know where this was coming from.” She said she has no problems with me and loves me like a daughter. She looked at me like she expected me to talk but like I said to you all, I wanted to see what John had to say.

He asked her to be honest and named all the times he’s recalled that she insulted me to my face and behind my back. He mentioned she has also tells him he could do better every time I’m not around (this was news to me but am I shocked? No.) DEB WAS LIVID. She genuinely couldn’t believe he outed her like that. She starts going off on him calling him disrespectful and saying he was disrespecting his own mother for an outsider. She kept saying “I know she made you do this. I know she’s the one making you disrespect me like this.” John was trying to reason with her and get her to calm down.

I text Dan and my dad to come in. Once they were inside Deb became a different person. She was startled as she wasn’t expecting them and then all of the things she was just saying went out of the window. She turned to Dan and my dad and said John walked in and just started yelling at her because of me. My dad looked at me and I shook my head no.

Once Dan and Dad got in everything was calmer for a little while. She went back to denying she didn’t like me. They all told her that it was obvious. That the dress request was shameful of her. She immediately replied it’s shameful that I won’t let her son spend time with her. John said that’s not true. At this point I’m burning inside. I wanted to correct all of her inaccuracies but I stood quiet.

John asked her what’s the real issue with OP? Deb starts saying how she knew I was going to be an issue since we were in HS. She said that once John got with me, his grades started dropping (which isn’t true.) that he stopped making time for family. (Also, not true) That he once didn’t show up to celebrate Mother’s Day with her a few times because of my birthday. (My birthday is in April, Mother’s Day is in May) That once we got back together he forgot about her completely because I made him abandon her. (He goes to her house minimum 3x a week) She said the fact that we had the engagement party without checking how she felt about it was wrong and all the evidence she needed to see what kind of woman I am.

My dad pointed out that she didn’t pay for the engagement dinner to have any input on it. Dan asked her what’s was she thinking asking to wear white at our wedding? Why is she so hungry for attention? Her face got red and she went off. She told Dan maybe if he would’ve properly married her and gave the a real wedding she wouldn’t feel left out. Dan straight up called bullshit and said that she didn’t want to have a “real” wedding even though he tried to convince her. The reason being that her mother told her pregnant brides are tacky. She started crying. (I honestly felt bad for Debbie here. Mothers be nice to your daughters or you’ll create Debbies.)

My dad got everyone to calm down. John finally spoke again and told his mom that he can’t keep defending her when she won’t even try to respect me. That for his sanity and our relationship, he’s going LC. Deb kept crying and said that John can’t leave her for dead, she’s the only mother he’ll ever have. Mothers are forever. Wives are not. I’m not even his wife yet and I’m already tearing apart the family.

He kept going. He told her that we are going to get married. She can’t respect me or stop crossing boundaries, she’ll get cut off completely. That his visits are dropping down to 1 every 2 weeks and that she needs to call less. She started going off. She knew it. I’m doing something to him. What did I do to her son? I’m a manipulator and a problem. She told my dad he raised a demon. My dad shot back at her to watch her mouth.

John kept shouting “Mom stop. Mom stop” but she kept screaming and then she started hyperventilating (whoever called it, you might be able to see the future.) she was gripping John’s arm saying she can’t breathe.

This was when I said to myself “oh no. He’s about to flip flop.” He looked at me and I know he knew what I was thinking.

John got her a cup of water then asked his dad if he could make sure his mom was ok and asked my dad to take Dan home. Dan and Dad agreed and his mom started crying louder. She literally screamed “I can’t breathe” as we walked out so he could hear her. I felt fucking terrible and I finally spoke. I told John I’m sorry. And I understand if he felt bad. He said he knew she was faking it but his instincts wanted to run over and make sure she was ok. I asked are you? he said no but he looked really sad about it.

My dad walked out behind us. My dad has never seen this side of Deb. Neither have I. She’s always been catty or shady toward me, but this was insane. My dad straight up told John that his mom needed help with her mental health. John said he’s going to talk to his aunt about getting her help.

We went home and John cried. He said he cried because he watched his mom villainize him and tell others that he just walked in and verbally abused her. He said it reminded him of the times he would to fight with his dad because his mom would say Dan would just come from work and yell at her for no reason. I guess it was Deja Vu for him. He was silent after she said that so I do believe it struck a nerve with him. He decided to go NC for now (I did ask him if he was ok with me posting this part and he said yes)

Before we went to Deb’s house I called a couple of counselors in our area to check availability and our first couples therapy session is next month. It’s a little while away. He called his provider today to check for a therapist within his insurance and got an appointment for himself for the 23rd! The ball is rolling and John seems like he’s on the same page as me. I know this is killing him though.

Dan called us and let us know he got Deb to calm down. He said he spoke to her as best as he could about her harming her own relationship with John but she didn’t want to hear it.

Thank you Reddit. I really didn’t expect this to blow up like this. The advice and well wishes I got from this was so overwhelming, in a great way. While I should be happy, something about it all just makes me feel down. I hope that Debbie gets better and we can one day have her in our lives. Something about that comment about her mother made me hurt for little Debbie. Hopefully one day I’ll get to hear her stories.

Now I’m going back to my regular life and hopefully I won’t ever have a dramatic update for you guys ever again!