Struggling to cope

My spouse was recently hospitalized and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I am unsure if they had Psychosis or mania or both upon hospitalization.

The episode started after a month of insomnia and multiple big (happy and horrible) life events. At the time they were undiagnosed. They communicated with me that they felt something was wrong and they were scared they were going to ruin the relationship and asked me not to leave them. I thought it was a weird thing to say and out of pocket for them. But I told them I wasn't worried and assured them I wasn't going anywhere.

After 2 weeks of increasing rage and lashing out and coercion, they yelled at me that I was abusive over and over and that their friends said I was abusive. At this point I made the decision to leave because they kept threatening suicidal ideation, And then a few days after that they moved out while I was at work and made my in laws block me. I got a call from them 2 days later from the hospital where they were on 72 hour hold.

We've been separated ever since they moved out. I try to text them once in a while to tell them I'm thinking of them and glad they are working on themselves by staying compliant with treatment. But this morning I received a huge ball drop: my partner said I hit them and didn't stop even as they communicated to me that I was hurting them.

I NEVER did this!! I would NEVER EVER hit them or hurt them. The only time that comes to mind was when they were pressuring me to slap them during sex, and I was the one that stopped when they wanted to keep going.

I feel like I'm trying to not blame myself. But I can't help it. I hate that that's what my partner is saying they experienced. I hate that they have told other people i hit them. I never did that.

I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar position - how to do recover from the trauma? I'm in a DV support group for the psychological and emotional abuse, and the sexual abuse (I'm not sure if I am wanting to call it sexual abuse, I felt coerced and pressured but I advocated for myself in the end).

We are planning to meet next week and they said they want to talk with me and have a serious conversation. I feel very apprehensive and unsure of how to take care of myself before and during and after this. This is the first time they are letting me know their thoughts. And I want to support them, but I'm tried of being in emotional turmoil and reliving some of the hardest moments of my life. I miss my spouse being my friend and lover. I'm so sad their mind is so cruel. And I can't help but just blame myself.

I don't want advice on staying or leaving. I just want to know ways to cope through this process. For myself I need to meet with them, and for them to know, even if it's not until they are out of mania completely, that I tried my very best to be there 💔