Not goodbye, but maybe see you later?

I broke up with my bf two weeks ago. We’d been together for almost 8 years, 18/19 to our mid 20s. He’s always been my best friend and everything to me. He used to be so attentive and caring.

But in the past couple of years, I’ve seen him mentally slip away. He had some unresolved trauma from his parent’s divorce and hated the life choices he made up until now. He hated his job and didn’t know who he was in life. I saw this start to happen in 2020 and it’s spiraled since then.

He would find small things to help him like going to a group therapy or starting a new sport. But it didn’t help him for long. I’d always be there to support him, but it felt like he was withdrawing from the relationship and into his depression. That’s when I felt like my needs weren’t being met.

I tried to offer him solutions, but he didn’t want to take them. He had fears and reasons for not going to therapy, taking medication, or seeing a doctor. I understood his reasons, but he was getting to the point where he couldn’t resist help for much longer.

It started to get worse in the past month. He didn’t bring me a gift for my birthday, he said he was saving all the money for Christmas. He was supposed to come with me to spend Christmas with my family for the first time in another state, and at the last minute he said it would be better for his mental health to spend Christmas with his family.

That was my last straw. He had backed out of funerals and other moments when I needed him. I wanted his involvement, but he was self sabotaging.

I ended it and he looked at me with tears in his eyes, apologizing for the pain he caused. I told him, “I don’t believe you right now. Go get better and then we can talk.”

I’ve been reeling and in despair ever since. I love him so much and I know he loves me. He said that if he ever lost me, it would be the greatest mistake in his life. But I need him to show me that he wants me and is willing to fight for me.

He used to be that way. And I see that still in him. But it’s not up to me and it’s not my fault.

I’ve written him a letter I want to give to him once I get my stuff back. But I don’t know when that’ll be. He views my stories but doesn’t say anything to me.

I just wish he’d talk to me. I wish I knew what he was thinking. This is all fixable and I want this to work out. All I want to know is what he’s thinking and why he hasn’t said anything to me. I feel like a broken record with inner turmoil.