My elder cousin who SA'd me will apologize. Please help me.

At the end of September 2024, my mother met an aunt who is a relative of her mother's. Mother had a seat with my aunt. My aunt's son, my elder cousin was asked for an apology from my mother. And on December 11th, 2024, We had not heard from him in about three months. My momther got a call from my aunt's side. My cousin said he would apologize for me.

From 2011 to 2013, there was assault and sexual abuse by my cousin.

My grandmother compared a lot between my cousin and me. At that time, my brother was a believer who had a mysterious experience and continued to speak glossolalia. The mysterious experience is that my brother was playing soccer with his friends and someone told him to go back home. Maybe, he heard the holy voice. Not long after he went into the building and it started to raining. But I didn't even know how to speak glossolalia once.

My elder cousin burned my grandmother's dressing table with a lighter. My grandmother took me to the dressing table and told me to take a look at this. I was framed at the time. When I had breakfast with my cousin, my grandmother would always talk behind my back. I had to stop eating. I used to cry. Also I cursed the two when I entered the dark room eventually.

At that time, my cousin bullied me. He pushed me away and started to read my diary. and he maximize the volume and play the piano. He beat the piano and made me fall down with meltdown. Then the cousin put his knee because of his father. After kneeling down, he was scolded hard.

He started using violence. My cousin told me to stand still, and then threw an angled object to me. If I move a little bit, he ordered to stay. I was absolutely threatened. Also, He learned self-defense martial arts. My whole body was burning because the cousin knocked me down.

At the request of my grandmother, my cousin was teaching math for me, and he stamped the back of my hand with a pencil and I was bled. Later, he said something ridiculous. He sayed about measuring my neck, and then he tried to strangled me. My aunt and mother were in the room, and they called my cousin's name and stopped him, but I was going to die. Since then, my little cousin and I have been trying to endured violence about the elder cousin at the name of a 'joke'. He knocked us down, one by one, until our faces turned red he pressed our bodies. We laughed even if we were suffocated.

In 2011, when I was nine years old, my elder cousin and I were just two of us. It's a story about between him and me when grandmother left us behind. In my grandmother's room, I sat down with my cousin. He suddenly turned on TV. And searched to the wrestling match channel. He just said, "Let's play wrestling together.".

Three pillow are stacked on top of each other. He told me to get on top of it, and I stood on top of the pillows with my back to the television. The cousin set his hands between my legs. And his fingers were interdigitated together. Those two hands came up until they touched my groin and I felt unpleasant. My cousin told me to jump off the pillow right away, but I couldn't do it easilly. I just put my right foot down carefully. My cousin's hand was already reach the genitalia. When I tried to avoid it, and he soon completely took out hands. He said, "You've known. Too bad… How do you feel? Was it feeling good?" And I forced myself to smile to please my cousin.

Around 2012 and 2013, my grandfather left us at my aunt's house. Because grandfather wanted to build best relations between family me and my cousins . We played hide-and-seek a lot, so we played again hide-and-seek in the small house. That day, and elder cousin found me hiding in the door of my cousin's room by him first.

My cousin insisted that I be punished and he stucked me behind the door. He tickled me at first. But as time went by, I realized this wasn't a tickle. He didn't take his hands off me for quite some time, and he kept pressing my left breast down. Then his hands rubbed mine down. All I could do was concentrate on the languid afternoon light coming into my cousin's room. After he had lost interest at me, he went out of his room to look for another little cousin.

I was about 11 in 2013. It was a summer night and my elder cousin called me in from the master bedroom. My brother asked me to turn it off the light, so I did. And I laid down without thinking because he told me to lie next to him. I turned my gaze to the wall on the left side, and he grabbed me and pushed me toward the edge of the wall.

He said it was a secret. My cousin forcibly placed his knee between my legs and rubbed it. While I was being SA'd with a twisted body, I felt the cold sensation of a bamboo mat and a mirror at the wall . I also recall the sensation of frequent tingling due to the flesh getting stuck on the mat. The bright kitchen light bothered me in the meantime. I was hypervigilant mode. I tried to rebel and he kicked me at the genitalia. I remember when I lost my mind and couldn't say anything. He put his hand in my top.

And it probably wasn't long after that. He beat me mercilessly. he was must scared because I didn't get up very soon. My eyes barely opened. He tried to getting me up then pushing me down again. I felt like I was going to die, so I led my sick body. Turned on the light as my cousin commanded me. I remember my aunt arrived after that, but I wanted to pee so badly that I ran straight to the bathroom.

After that, when I wiped my genitals with toilet paper, I bled out. I also remember somewhat I was running out of his room to avoid my elder cousin and going to the bathroom. I bled the same back then. Even I wasn't at my menstrual age. Of course, My counselor told me it was just vaginitis.

Including this trauma, I planned suicide and I attempted. I did a lot of self-harming, too. My mother asked my aunt some questions about my aunt's son who is now trying to apologize to me.

Didn't you(aunt) urge him(the cousin) to do it? - No. He(the cousin) felt so sorry all the time because she(me) was sick when thought about him. I(aunt) didn't urge him, but he came forward.

Does he(the cousin) remember what did to her(me)? - I(aunt) think he(the cousin) remembers.

I getting an apology in about two weeks. However, since my cousin didn't say anything exactly, I have to believe what my aunt said. However, I don't know why he feels guilty now and has decided to apologize to me now nevertheless he remembers. What should I do now? I would ask you, please. I don't want to report, and what can I do to get an apology at this point only and finish it neatly? I'm going to tell him everything I wrote up there.

*I am not good at English, so I may use inappropriate words in your opinion. I hope you understand that. It is never intentional.