I don’t want to die hating myself

Title says it all. I guess recently I’ve been coming up on another cycle of realizing how much shame runs my life. I don’t know what I want, I only know what I think I’m supposed to want, so I have no discernible direction in life.

I used to write, I used to make art. I hardly do anymore. I rarely even journal anymore. I hate every version of me that I’ve ever been, including this one. And I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life feeling that way. But I don’t know what to do. For a while I felt like I was making a lot of progress and coming to a place of peace, but lately it’s felt like I’ve hit a plateau. I had so much hope and now I’m doubting that I can ever live a life that feels fulfilling instead of terrifying and humiliating.