How do you manage your life when you feel like there isn't much for you in the future?

Genuinely I've always struggled with it. I know people make so many posts like "101 reasons to stay alive". But to me those seem so, annoying? Like yes waking up and seeing the sunrise is great but I dont feel like its a reason to look forward to my future.

I have always had a pessimistic view of the world. And I genuinely didn't believe I'd be alive passed the age of 18. But i turned 20 a few days ago. And so here I am. I have goals, I have plans, I got fired a month ago but I just got another job somewhere else.

I cleaned my apartment today that I share with my sister. I cleaned my room, and enjoyed lunch with my boyfriend. I listen to him explain to me all the classes he's taking this semester for college. How he wants 2 AS degrees. My sister talks to me about how her diet is going, how she feels healthier.

But I feel like I have nowhere to go. Like sure, I want to go into law. I want to contribute to society by someday being the person who helps children who have to go to court by themselves. I want to help kids who had been through what I had been through.

I like to draw, I draw, I write, I walk my dog, etc. But I just. Dont know. I dont feel excited about my future at all. I never have. I never felt like there was anything there. Like life is just so bland, and depressing. People act so happy when so many bad awful things are happening all around me. You can't help everyone. And it makes me feel like a selfish person to even want to enjoy something.

I just dont know. I dont have any family other then my sister. But I dont say this to her or my boyfreind at all. I dont understand how anyone could just continue their lives, just being so aware of everything, and being fine.

I dont feel fine. I never have. But somehow everyone else is moving on. I just can't seem to do that for myself.