AOE Have a Self-Help Obsession?

For about 3 years now I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with self-help. I’ve been in therapy for about 5 or so years now. I’ve talked through a lot of my traumas, gotten help to process them, and to understand them intellectually.

But I am tired of trying to understand everything intellectually. I want to feel my pain so I can fucking grieve my traumas. But every time I try, I find myself trying to make sense of the traumas. Instead of coping with them emotionally, it feels easier to shame myself unconsciously with self-help videos.

Unconsciously I am reminding myself constantly that there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I’m not enough unless I am perfect, and that’s how I present myself. I will go to school for 8 hours and come home, research, post on Reddit, and try to understand myself until I have to pick up my boyfriend for work.

This is so tiring. I can’t try EMDR because I’m already in therapy and insurance won’t pay for 2 therapies. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am also constantly critiquing myself in my head. My expectations are relentless for myself and others. DAO do this?