Need to confess…

Just need to get this off my chest, I don’t have many people to talk to and just wanted to put this out in the open because I am feeling so shitty about it.

We went on a camping trip; myself, my wife and our two kids ages six and nine. My wife and I were pretty much bickering the whole time and it really came to a head on the 3 hour drive home. I ended up pulling off the freeway, full anxiety attack mode and revealed to her that I was having ideas about no longer living. This is with our two kids in the back seat. They were visibly upset and I was really in one of those moments where I almost couldn’t control myself at all.

A couple days later I heard my daughter making comments to her brother asking questions like “do you hate yourself” or something related to that. I know their brains are like sponges and they’re soaking up everything that I’m putting out there. I have so much remorse. I am such a bad example.

The two of them are literally the only thing that keeps me grounded in this world. They really are beautiful little beings. Even with all of my marital problems and other baggage I’ve always told myself to just stick it through because I don’t want them to experience the trauma that I went through myself. But lately I’ve really been seeing it come full circle in my life.

I don’t want them to experience any of that, I don’t want to be like my father or mother. It is so hurtful and dark. I really feel like such a fuck up right now.

I took the next day to myself to have some time to process what happened and I spoke with a psychiatrist and started on 10 mg Lexapro to work in conjunction with my ongoing therapy.

I was able to pull both of them aside later that night and we had a little powwow to talk things over and we had a big group hug at the end. Even then it’s like they were trying to console me. Telling me that I’m gonna be OK. They are children, they shouldn’t have to take on that responsibility. The whole thing is so fucked up and I’m so sorry. I want to take it back, but I can’t, I know I’m guilty.