I prayed and feel like the devil answered.

A few weeks ago I was going through a depressive episode of negative thoughts late night. I sat up and prayed from my heart of hearts for God to show me a sign that I am on the right path and that my struggles and tormenting thoughts won't control me forever and at least one thing will work out for me in life. Since then, maybe it's survivorship bias or increased selective awareness, but I notice more negativity. Like a spit in the face.

You fear you'll die alone? Every guy who approaches you at work will be with a girlfriend to remind you how much of a loser you are. Or am I not seeing he is teaching me not to be jealous and to love myself?

You want to share music with the world, a gift I've given you since birth that none of your family has? Here is everyone else but you making it. Or maybe he is telling me to keep going and teaching me to focus on myself?

I don't know, maybe I'm misreading any signs, or lessons or whatever. I haven't lost faith in Jesus, just myself. I've been suffering my entire life. Every time something good happens it gets taken away. And all I can do is want happiness for myself when I see it in others, is that truly jealousy? I want to be loved. I want to follow my purpose. I want to not feel like all my academic efforts are useless. All I do is overthink and sulk in negativity because all the happiness in me was drained by constant terrible childhood experiences and traumatic misfortunes. Every person might be a lesson, but I've learned it all. This is my personal hell and I need to find a reason to be conquer it and be better than the people who created it.