Do I even actually believe in god?

I know that god is good. I believe in his teachings.

But I can’t get past the suffering. I don’t understand why we’re allowed to suffer.

I understand free will. But you can suffer from things to no fault of your own.

I really want to believe god is will do great things for me one day. Maybe I’ll get out of homelessness. Maybe I’ll get a job. Maybe one day I’ll be around people who care. But that’s been a dream of mine for years and im tired of praying. And im tired of suffering.

I don’t think people realize how hard it is to believe in god and do his will when there is persistent hopelessness.

And if you do still believe then how?

I’m to the point where I understand that you should believe whether you like it or not.

But I feel rejected, let down, and abandoned by god. Like I don’t have a reason to believe. Maybe he knows I won’t follow through in the end.