Having a really hard day - establishing financial independence from abusive past

TL;DR crying today and really struggling with money, work and finding my footing NC/cut off from abusive family, also past abusive spouse, no one I trust or can talk to about it. Have no one, really...Seeking support. Not financial, but emotional mostly to just keep me going in this dark tunnel. Fully estranged from family/cult upbringing

Feeling extremely down. I left an abusive spouse over a year ago (No Contact, NC, divorced) and two years before that had to cut off family, all with personality disorders, hugely abusive relationships. I was financially stable then but my line of work changed over past year.

Applying for jobs like crazy in my field now that my client-based work is drying up. One turned me down today that was very hopeful - even though I am very talented and established in my creative profession, the market and economy are just bad. I'm going into debt paying bills, overdrawn bank account, have no connections I could trust or help me financially. Ex burned down my reputation/smear campaigned in our supposed friend group. I've been nail biting over this for months

People don't understand estrangement/no contact and it has been very isolating. Also just don't trust most social circles where I am - people like to gossip and treat me as a curiosity. Keeping away from all that, and putting my head down with career/healing has been the better choice and I've healed and grown in ways I never thought I would on a spiritual/emotional level outside the financial stress. Becoming estranged and independent - it was all worth it. I can FINALLY be me and be happy.

But I feel so hopeless today. That I'll lose my home, my beautiful life I'm grateful for, the independence and peace I've fought so hard for and gained to be happy and healthy and myself, finally, after a lifetime of pain.

I feel like giving up but I know I can't. Just feel like I've been throwing punches that won't land for months. I have a great portfolio and feel I should just keep trying in this vein, but nothing has panned out yet, it is exhausting and so anxiety-filled, every day, and other options I have are far worse.

On top of it all, I feel like if I am defeated.... "they win." Mother ambushed me about a year ago dangling financial help to get me back into contact and I refused

I don't want to give up - if I keep trying something will land but I'm just feeling hopeless. I almost don't know what to do if nothing ever manifests and I keep failing.

Words of wisdom or support or anything could really help right now....doing this for my inner child. Thank you