Getting ready to give birth and feeling bummed about estrangement

I’ve noticed a pattern where milestones, family-centric holidays, birthdays, etc. bring up a certain tenderness around not having a mother in my life. I just wonder if this will ever go away. I’m 36 weeks pregnant with my third baby and I’ve been working on putting supports in place so the void isn’t as tangible. It’s still hard and sad, though.

My mother was good to me at times, but the things that broke our relationship are non-negotiables for me. So here we are, no contact. She let me go without a fight, so there’s this added layer of grief from her making the choice to not have me in her life in favor of avoiding responsibility/respecting boundaries. This is my first time going through birth and postpartum without her support.

I have learned to love myself and grown in real ways that I don’t think I ever would have if we didn’t become estranged. My marriage is better, my mental health is better, and life is peaceful. This is not about me questioning whether to maintain NC, but I guess I just need to put it out there that the grief has been heavier lately. I know that big milestones like birth bring up a plethora of emotions, but it just feels wrong to be sad about my toxic mother when the joy of welcoming my new baby “should” be enough. Maybe that’s just me setting unrealistic expectations for myself, idk.

Anyone have words of wisdom around coping with estrangement (particularly with your mom) through the birthing and postpartum process? I am hiring a postpartum doula, being honest about this in therapy, and leaning on my people to fill the gaps in support, but I still just feel sad that things can’t be different. Thanks for any encouragement and wisdom you can provide.