Goonswarm’s Glorious New Home: Structure Bashes, No-Show Fights, and the Dream of Content

Ah yes, life in Goonswarm Federation, the pinnacle of EVE Online’s null-sec experience. We once ruled over Delve, a region so rich in resources it practically printed ISK, but now we reside in the paradise of Tenerifis—a totally strategic and not-at-all forced relocation. Our glorious home system? UALX, a name that strikes fear into the hearts of… well, mostly ourselves when we realize we have to form up for yet another structure bash led by Arkadios Sol, the undisputed master of turning a video game into an OSHA-compliant workplace safety seminar.

You see, nothing quite captures the EVE experience like sitting in a 256-man FNI fleet, glassy-eyed as you plink away at an abandoned Astrahus for two hours, listening to Arkadios mumble something about “optimal positioning” before dozing off mid-FC call. But hey, at least it’s not one of Mist Amatin’s fleets, where we eagerly burn into Pandemic Horde’s space only to discover—shocker—they aren’t actually going to fight us. Every time, we ping, we form, we cross our fingers that maybe, just maybe, this time Horde will undock something bigger than a handful of Ishtars. And every time, they prove that their real doctrine is the ancient art of strategic absence.

Of course, we all pretend we hate it, but let’s be real—if we actually wanted fun and engaging gameplay, we wouldn’t be playing EVE Online. We’d be off doing something productive, like touching grass or investing in real-life Ponzi schemes instead of the in-game ones. But no, here we are, endlessly min-maxing industry spreadsheets and ship doctrines, convincing ourselves that this time Horde will actually undock to fight us instead of pretending we don’t exist. Spoiler: They won’t. But that’s fine—Tenerifis is totally an upgrade, Arkadios’ fleets are totally exhilarating, and Goonswarm is totally still the strongest force in EVE. Now shut up and get in fleet.