Ran into my Ex after 75 days NC

I was at a concert Saturday night solo. I saw her walk past me and stand a few feet in front of me, she was alone too. I went to the bathroom and on the way back I had to walk right past her so I went up and said hello.

She had a big smile and she went in for a hug. It was a little awkward but we decided to watch the show together. We hadn’t really spoken at all since she broke up with me in early October, though we did have a brief run-in at another show in mid-November. Other than that it’s been complete radio silence.

We talked and caught up a bit in between songs. Talked about other shows we’ve been to, other shows we have coming up. Asked a bit about each others friends and family, normal catchup stuff.

The show ended and we left together and started to walk up to catch transit. I should have just left it at that, but I didn’t want the night to end (I’ve been going crazy missing her and wishing she’d reach out and reconsider the BU) so I foolishly asked if she wanted to get a drink somewhere and continue catching up.

It was really nice, a few awkward moments, but felt a little like old times hanging out. I really meant to avoid any relationship/breakup talk and just keep it light, casual, and fun. I’m not sure who brought it up first but near the end of the night (we hung out maybe another 1.5 hours after the show) the topic of the breakup came up.

She apologized again for the things she did (more details in some of my previous posts) and I could feel how guilty she feels, but she didn’t seem to regret breaking up and still thinks it’s what she had to do. It hurts so much, I haven’t been able to let go and really hoped she would have changed her mind by now (as foolish as that is I know).

We parted after that with a hug. She texted me a few minutes later with a song suggestion (sharing music is one of our biggest connections). I sent her a couple tracks. She sent me one more.

Conversation ended there then she texted me the next evening saying it was “nice seeing you yesterday”.

I debated writing back again or what to say. I didn’t reply for 24 hours but then I replied with the stupidest shit I instantly regretted:

“It was nice seeing you too. But it’s been really bittersweet for me. You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. I still miss you all the time.”

Ugh why the hell did I send that. I feel so weak and needy. 75 days NC out the window. I sent that last night and of course she hasn’t written back yet, what the hell am I even expecting her to reply to a message like that.

I’m feeling all kinds of ways since the weekend. Thinking about her non-stop (although I was doing that before). It was nice seeing her. It was nice catching up. But I can see she’s not interested in rekindling things at least right now, so hopefully I can use that has motivation to truly try to start letting go.

It fucking sucks though. I spent 5 amazing years with this woman and it all went nuclear in the blink of an eye. I miss her so god damn much and I’m still so heartbroken 4 months on.

EDIT: she just wrote this back after my message last night….

“I understand that, it was bittersweet for me as well. I know it’s been hard, but I really think it’s for the best. I just didn’t know how to grow through it in our relationship, I guess, and I’m sorry for that.”

Part of me wants to respond and ask her more, but there’s probably no use. I should probably just leave it alone and go NC again.