It just gets so confusing sometimes.

I remember my mother telling me when I was little that I was "blessed and highly favored" by God, because I was adopted at the age of two into an Apostolic UPCI family. Nevermind that both of my adopted parents were physically violent with me all throughout my childhood, and would leave me bruised, black and blue and bleeding frequently - No, it was SUCH a blessing, and I should never not be thankful for Gods favor. Including when my own father got angry at me and grabbed me by the throat in the middle of church service and attempted to choke me, and nobody in the church batted an eye - I need to just fall on the ground and cry out to God in thankfulness!

I was told by my youth leader that God had a special plan for me, that he could sense something "different" about me from a young age. If by "different", he meant quiet, socially awkward and isolated due to my home life, and constantly questioning everything I was raised in, then he is spot on. I would assume that if he knew my doubts, his opinion on "Gods special plan" for me would likely be much different.

I have been told many such things throughout the years. I have been prophecied to, with some "prophecies" being scarily accurate to what I was currently going through in life. I have had my own mother back me into a corner of the kitchen and go absolutely ballistic, nearly screaming in tongues over me, because she saw "something change in my eyes" (implying demonic activity). I have experienced tongues constantly, but notably, I have never seen a miracle with my own eyes.

Nonetheless, I have just had many confusing experiences that I cannot explain, and sitting here trying to list them would take forever.

I think today I am just broken. It has been said to me for the last few years that I am walking away from "The Truth" by leaving the UPCI.

No matter how many Theology and Philosophy classes and textbooks that I drown myself in, I cannot shake the feeling - What if the UPCI was right all along? What if I am truly walking away from "THE Truth"? What if I am selling "THE Truth" for "worldly knowledge?"

I want to say so much more, but for the sake of length I won't. I just want to know if anyone here can echo my thoughts. I've spiraled into obsession lately, reading Acts over and over and over and over again, trying to connect the pieces, and trying to settle on a far more healthy view of tongues. After 20 years of indoctrination though, it can be so hard.

This post is a bit more rambly than I would normally be. It isn't worded as cleanly as I would like it to be. My thoughts are everywhere today, and I just honestly feel overwhelmed.