When the challenge of overproducing becomes an addiction

I’ve always been an over producer. By a lot. It was a fun challenge the first baby, topped out at 60oz/day. Second baby I really went for it and topped out at 120oz/day. That took so much out of me and consumed my life. I swore with baby #3 I would try to keep things to a moderate level. It’s going well but I’m having to fight my past.

My reflex is to try to get my numbers up. I’m only producing 10oz/day more than baby is eating (we’re on week 3 so still early). I can’t help myself, it’s like an addiction. I need to have high productivity.

But my brain/logic says I’ll be able to quit in a few weeks when baby out eats what I’m producing, if I don’t try to increase. And the freedom that means! I can enjoy 🍃 again! I can skip overnight pumps! My back problems will go away! I can start getting into shape again! Maybe finally get that breast reduction I’ve dreamt about since I was 13yo!

But the addiction of being a prolific overproducer is holding me back. I find myself pumping for longer than the 15mins limit I set. I stopped wearing tight bras. I’m massaging constantly during pumps. I don’t know how to not try to produce more.

I feel like I’m in a state of limbo and sabotaging myself either path I take. I have complete freedom to make a decision and I’m stuck. Ugh.