Unfucking my life, dealing with ugliness-loneliness, and moving forward

TL;DR: I am tired of being angry at myself all the time - I am going to be gaining self-respect, focusing on gaining skills and knowledge - Currently reading 'Letters From A Stoic' to improve my situation - I am ready to face the reality of dying alone but I'll atleast try making the journey fun for myself.

Having contemplated suicide for several years, I have decided that I will be staying here for a bit longer and trying to fix things for once instead of worrying about my face, misery and sadness. What I am writing here is a new understanding of life & people that I have learnt and I think this is something that can help you too.

My Introduction

I was born with a cleft lip and Throughout my life, I have been told by strangers, peers and even my own family that I have a very ugly and hideous face. My mother in fact, has said that she wished I was never born and that I was dead, multiple times. All the peers that I've had, have always bullied and berated me for my looks. I have never made any friends in my real life, I have never learnt how to socialise.

Whenever I would try to make friends, I would notice them looking at my lips again and again as I spoke and Id get embarassed. There have been countless experiences where I thought I was friends with someone only to find out they had been bullying me behind my back. I have severe trust issues at this point and I have grown to realise that people will not be my friends, I will never get a date or get laid, I will never get married and I will likely die alone without ever being touched or loved, affectionately.

But what can I do about this though? At this point, I think I have wasted just too much time being sad and angry at myself and trying to find strategies to hide my deformity (like by wearing masks). I think, I deserve some peace and that I should be less harsh on myself.

My New Understandings

With that said, maybe what I am about to say isn't that amazing or mind-blowing but I think the path of unfucking my life starts with just getting started with something. After some self-assessment, I've found that I am not very intelligent or smart, I procrastinate, fear losing comfort-zone but I also have a high a perseverance if I decide to do something.

So to fix myself, I have decided to just focus on what I have on hand and give it my 100%. I won't be putting off what needs to be done and finishing it right away because "A smart man does first what a fool does at last". I won't focus on making friends, I'll just focus on myself. I'll try turning into a human that people will respect regardless of my face. I'll try doing something that I will be recognised for.

Maybe this is too delusional of me but I think I just need to get started with learning something new and becoming more knowledgeable. I have started reading 'Letters From A Stoic' by Seneca and have been reading more about the teachings of Buddhism. Reading has really improved my sanity and I think putting my phone down for hours is also helping me a lot.

Stuff That Can Changed My Life

Some amazing resources that have helped me get better this week: - 'Yes Man by Jim Carrey' - A depressed man starts saying yes more often and starts putting himself out there more instead of moping around and being sad all the time - Considered a perfect depiction of depression - 'The Most Underrated Social Skill And How I Used It (Listen Like A Therapist' - https://youtu.be/VOjpFa_irgM?si=w04x6kQSnj21QH6c - 'Why Do You Postpone Yourself (Senecca & Stoicism) - https://youtu.be/VOjpFa_irgM?si=RReDEJEL3T4Llxm9 - 'Nobody Cares About What You Do (Spotlight Effect) - https://youtu.be/-cSrjKd1Co0?si=8vHo4xFwu78xbwgs