Sometimes I miss parts of being involved in my fundie church/community

I will NEVER go back, and I’m much healthier now, but I’ve been feeling so guilty about how I’ve felt and I needed to get it off my chest.

I was involved with a fundamentalist church with a charismatic flair for years. The kind that believes in speaking in tongues, does “spiritual warfare”, believes in prophecy, etc. we also had the “courting” rule, abstinence until marriage was required, and my family was involved literally every day of the week as a kid and teen. I missed out on so much because it interfered with church activities, and it truly ruined my family and my childhood. I was lucky to escape, and with much therapy I’ve been able to let go of much that hurt me in those years.

The one thing I find myself missing is how when we would do worship music, there would be an emotional display that wasn’t allowed in any other part of life. There was a reckless abandon that accompanied worship, and just feeling emotions without regard for what people thought provided an outlet that I’ve yet to find outside of the cult that ruined my childhood. To cry or laugh or feel lost in the moment felt so...good?

I’ve been free from those fundamental chains for a long time now, and I have my own family that will never experience the trauma of being controlled by the church. I’m happy, and don’t feel guilt and shame for enjoying my life. But sometimes I remember the emotions I connected with and wish I could find a way to experience that again.

I’m sorry for my ramble, but I didn’t know where else to vent this. Thanks for taking time to read this.