Every winter storm since he died

This is the fourth winter without my dad. Every winter now, without fail, my snowblower won't start on the first big snowfall (or won't start multiple times throughout the year when I need it to)

My dad was big on stopping at garage sales/estate sales. If he saw a garage sale on the way somewhere, he’d stop. I have a ton of stuff in my house from him stopping by sales. He’d tell me he was coming over, and 30 minutes later (he lived 7 minutes from me) he’d show up and say “I saw a garage sale on my way here, so I stopped by and got you these plates.” The snowblower was one of those purchases. It was brand new, from an estate sale. Worked great the first year, no problems at all. It’s been shit since he died.

Last year, I ended up SOBBING in my driveway when it wouldn't start after a huge snowfall . Like a dramatic movie, I literally just sat down in my driveway with my snow pants on, in 10 inches of snow, and sobbed. I remember coming inside and telling my husband (who is the least handy person ever) "I really just had a main character moment out there. And I miss my dad so fucking much."

My dad was always the person I would call for this stuff. He made me feel safe in a way no one else ever has. I KNEW I’d be ok, because worst case scenario, my dad would be there to help me. I recognize now I took him for granted. And I recognize that part of my grief is SO fear based, because I really didn’t have to worry about anything until he died. I wish I could apologize for all that. I always said thank you, but I wish I told him how appreciative I really was. And I wish I gave back to him a little more. He was so giving and helpful, and I came to almost…expect that.

Ants in my house? I’ll just call my dad, he’ll know what to do. And he’ll probably even go get me some ant traps and set them up. He knows the “best” spots to put ant traps. A mouse in the house? My dad will know the best mouse trap brand, and he’ll dispose of the mouse for me because I think it’s gross. Midnight, it’s a snow storm, and my furnace stopped working? I’m not calling Xcel, I’m calling my dad. Even though I PAID EXTRA FOR 24/7 service plus every month! And he showed up and helped, every single time. No complaints, smile on his face, maybe with some trinket he found at a garage sale on his way over.

My dad was my favorite person in the entire world. My whole life, my dad could do no wrong. I know everyone says this, but my dad really was awesome. He was a little bit of everything. He rode motorcycles and worked his way up to a C suite business career with no college degree. He cried in Cinderella and played electric guitar. He was excellent at photography, went skydiving, drove race cars, coached little league, would blast AC/DC with the windows down then perfectly transition to Whitney Houston without missing a beat, was into Star Trek, and played dnd with me. He was a professional man, but a nerd at heart. I could write a whole post about how amazing my dad was. He was so FUN and he was loved. 450 people showed up to his funeral. We had to rent out a space typically used for weddings. Since I was little, I had a BIZARRE fear of him dying. I even saw a therapist for it. And then it happened, out of nowhere. Heart attack, dead instantly at 60. No goodbye. My life hasn’t been the same since. Writing this makes me think of a quote from a book that resonated so deeply with me. It says,

“How is it that the world keeps going, breathing in and out unchanged, while in my soul there is a permanent scattering?”

My sister got married without my dad, my grandpa died, my sister and her husband had a baby, then I got married without my dad, got my first dog, changed jobs, then my uncle died. All of this has felt so incredibly hard without my dad. And yet, I totally have kept my shit together during all these moments. It is this stupid fucking snowblower that literally knocks my knees out from under me.

We were predicted to get a ton of snow today, so yesterday I was proactive and started it early. Made sure I put stabilizer in it the year before, and got it serviced over the summer. It started up perfectly fine!

I worked all morning, not stressing about the snowblower. Go out to start it, see that gas has leaked all over my garage….and it won’t start. Again.

I actually laughed this time. I don’t know exactly what I believe happens after we die. I was raised atheist. But my dad had that antagonistic energy, and I genuinely felt like I could HEAR him wheeze laugh when it wouldn’t start this time.

I don’t even have words to describe how much I miss my dad. It is so much deeper than sadness. Four years later, and I still think of him every single day. I couldn’t decide whether to post this as dad loss or message to the void. So a quick message to the void -

Dad, please stop fucking around with my snowblower. It’s not funny. I love you.