TW: I do not have an OCD diagnosis

I did what everyone said to do; I went to NOCD. There is a very high chance that I’m gay and just can’t accept it. I was referred to this page over a year ago after posting in various subs such as latebloomerlesbians, bisexual Reddit and seeking out reassurance there, yet I don’t know if I am now using this HOCD page wrongly as a crutch to keep me in my relationship. The issue is that: 1) I was and still am isolated. I used Reddit as I don’t have a gay community in person so would post in those subs 2) I am in a relationship and the pressure would just become too much from time to time. It seems to flare up when our relationship is getting more serious. I think this is the case for many late bloomers, such as Alayna Joy, where her anxiety was just getting worse and worse in the lead up to her wedding. During my spells of lower anxiety levels, I would never think “happy days I’m straight!” It would be more…”You could still be gay. But I’m pretty content right now so I don’t need to worry about that right now” As time goes on, I am beginning to wonder if this is just kicking the confrontation of my denial and inevitable break up further down the road. 3) I’ve struggled sexually with men my entire life, which seems to differ from most people on this. I remember being so underwhelmed my first time with a guy. I don’t think my sexuality has “changed”. My current partner is open minded and introduced toys etc, without this extra help I don’t think I would enjoy sex or would get anywhere close to orgasm. Sometimes I do feel dread before sex. I also worry that I’ve met a really nice guy and am forcing myself to make it work, often due to the “extrinsic” reward e.g family approval/ social circles etc 4) I had straight fantasies throughout my youth but I didn’t really know what a lesbian was as I am from conservative, very catholic countryside. I wasn’t really boy crazy in school, I thought they were all so immature and I didn’t really enjoy kissing them. Then I discovered lesbian porn at like 17 and exclusively fantasised about women for years and would feel horrible afterwards. My thoughts aren’t ego dystonic as my NOCD therapist said. Not really any women I know but sometimes I would. At the moment, my reactions to gay fantasies are so strong, it’s almost instant. Whereas with straight fantasies, it takes more time and effort. 5) although I am definitely a huge worrier, that got better with meds. Whereas I would still have extreme worry periods on my sexuality. She also said it should be questions such as “what if I’m gay?” Rather than “I think I’m gay due to x,y,z.” Moreover, I don’t have any other themes. It does not run in my family either.

For these reasons, my NOCD therapist said it was likely I didn’t have HOCD but mild anxiety and a lot of internalised homophobia? I stopped going to her after that as I cried for like 3 days afterwards.

The idea of breaking up my relationship is KILLING me right now. Is this step always going to be very painful? The idea of him with someone else sends me into a complete panic, I feel sick. I feel like this is the one thing that is holding me back. I like my life with him, but I just wonder if in 10 years time, will this be enough? Will I be worrying about being gay in 10 years time if I stayed with him, that thought also makes me feel uneasy.

I guess my question is…Is this treatment of ERP and “Maybe, maybe not…I don’t need to know my sexuality right now” only effective with OCD diagnosis and not genuine questioning? I did what everyone told me to do, i went to an NOCD specialist and only felt worse when she confirmed my fears. Am I just delaying inevitable pain? Is this sub not for me anymore?