I'm a femcel misandrist

Throwaway account because most of my online friends know my original account.

I'm 17 years old and I have been what you will call a "femcel" since my early teens. I don't like men, I hate them, I don't go outside because I'm scared of ppl and I don't go to school because I have seperation anxiety from my brother.

You may think that I'm a man hating femcel because I didn't had healthy relationships with male family members growing up but it's not entirely true. I have an older brother who I love but I hate my raging alcoholic father who only talks to me when he is arguing with me while drunk, othertimes he is at his office.

The main reason I'm a femcel misandrist is because of my father, when my mother died when I was 13 from a stroke my father was really " depressed" and wanted to " end it all" so he told me and my older brother that we all should mass su1c1de because he can't take the pain of losing his wife. THE AUDACITY OF THIS MAN TO THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE HE IS DEPRESSED THAT ME A 13 YEAR OLD AND MY BROTHER A 20 YEAR OLD BACK THEN SHOULD JUST KILL OURSELVES. like just because you are 50+ years old and have already lived your life doesn't means that I don't want to continue living my life. My brother told my father that " we shouldn't mass su1c1de because my sister is barely a teenager" my father accepted that but since then he has made our life a living hell.

I have no respect for my " father" anymore, he is mentally abusive towards my brother, only talks to us while drunk , a chainsmoker and is in financial debt but still spends money on prostitutes. He acts like only he has lost someone and that we haven't. I have tried to be an empathetic daughter, tried talking to him, telling him to seek therapy etc but ntg worked he is a disgusting man who also doesn't helps clean the house and likes to live in filth.

Enough of my father but he was probably one of the reasons I'm such a femcel. I have had violent thoughts about killing him before. Whenever I see a man in public doing things that slightly resembles my father like for example smoking, I imagine myself stabbing them with a broken glass bottle of alcohol. I get dreams where I kill "old men" with knives or hammers. My thoughts are just too violent and disgusting.

I know I can't heal my relationship with my father but I have a loving older brother that I'm really grateful for who has been with me since day 1.

I don't want to get in relationships with any guy because I'm afraid that I might hurt them physically or mentally which I don't want to because let's be real I'm a femcel misandrist but men are still " humans" at the end of the day. And also I don't want to known as just another case of incels like Elliott Rodger.

I might get therapy when I grow up, so I don't accidentally hurt a man but until I fix my brain I don't think that I should date because of my fucked up mind.

So yeah this was just a vent/rant on how I'm a misandrist femcel and how I don't want to be like Elliott Rodger. I have many other reasons for being a misandrist and a femcel but this was just the basic reasons.