How I met Her (Warning: Long Post)
Thanks for the support and for not mocking my sadness. Many people connected with me through DMs.....some going through the same, some worse. Out of everything, the most asked question was: How did I meet her for the first time? What did it feel like?
I opened my journal to **June 9....**the day I met her. And even though it was painful, I read how 16-year-old me had felt.
This is how I felt.
After the long summer vacation of 2021 which lasted for more than a year due to COVID, schools finally reopened...including mine. Classes were only till noon, and it had already been a week since this routine began and Going to the turf near my house after school with my friends had become a habit, and today was no different
I rushed home, quickly changed into my Real Madrid jersey...the one with number 7 on the back....grabbed my boots in one hand, slipped on my chappals, and sprinted towards the turf. Our slot was at 2:00, but by the time I left, it was already 2:10. Late again
The game was intense. I managed to score a few goals, two of them thanks to some jugaad...a little foul here and there, followed by a heated argument and ton of gaali to prove it was fair. There was the usual grabbing of collars, pushing, pulling...pure desi football. Even though my team lost, I walked off as if none of it was my fault, blaming the goalie for everything. Meanwhile, the opposing team thanked me....one of their goals was actually a self-goal from my side fk
Tired and drenched in sweat....smelling like shit, I reached home, plopped onto the front step, and began removing my boots. That’s when I noticed two new sandals beside me....one green and one pink, the latter adorned with a white pearl on top. Definitely not my mom’s. Maybe a guest’s? One of my aunts?
I washed my face at the outdoor pipe and was about to step inside when my mother, holding the TV remote like a weapon, glared at me. “Tange tod dungi tera! Pehle pair dhoke andar aa.”
she warned, making me take a quick U-turn to the pipe again. Properly cleaned up now, I entered the house and saw a woman sitting inside.....someone I had never seen before.
“Aswin!” she called out with a warm smile, motioning me closer before pinching my cheek. “Do you know me?”
Ah, the typical aunty question. Before I could come up with something, my mom answered for me.
“She’s the teacher I told you about..the one who recently got transferred to my school as the science teacher. She teaches at my school now and just moved near us, so she came to say hi.” She never told me anything about it, but okay, I played along “Ohh… Aunty! Hi, Aunty!” I greeted her, trying my best to sound polite
Aunty asked where I had gone, how school was, and all the usual small talk, which was both boring and annoying. She mentioned she was thinking of transferring her daughter to my school since the one she currently attended was too far away. I gave her the best answer I could...smiling and saying everything was great when, in reality, I would happily bomb that hellhole if given the chance. Most of the conversation was just me nodding like a duck while gulping down water straight from the jug.
After escaping to upstairs, I looked around for the owner of the pink sandal but didn’t see anyone...but my friends were waiting on discord to play among us together... Ah well. I grabbed my towel to take a bath when suddenly, someone grabbed my leg.
It was my 8 yr old sister. "Bhaiya, please help... My shuttlecock is stuck on the side of the house. Laake dedo na"
I was about to say no... that I’d do it after my bath or maybe tomorrow... but then she looked up at me. Chubby cheeks. Big, pleading eyes. ugh... How could I say no to my cutie pie?
So, I went with her to the terrace. But to be honest, I had another reason too… I wanted to see her. The owner of the pink sandal. Maybe it was curiosity. Maybe something else... As I walked up, I could hear it....the faint melody of anklets, of soft feet moving back and forth.
And then, I saw her.
The sun was setting behind me, washing the sky in soft shades of pink and orange. The crows and birds flew toward their nests, their cries fading into the breeze. Everything felt silent... except for the wind... except for the quiet hum of the world settling down for the evening. She stood near the edge, her back slightly turned, strands of hair slipping free from the pink bun she had tied. And in that moment, everything around me blurred.
The wind ruffled my hair... My towel slipped from my hand, carried away by the strong wind.... The scent of jasmine....drenched in a rainy monsoon, drifted through the air.
The pink sky touched her beautiful face like it had chosen her specifically, casting a glow over her face, over the slight curve of her shoulders. She wasn’t even doing anything special....just absentmindedly twirling the shuttle bat in her fingers, lost in a world I wasn’t part of.....
For a second, I just stood there, staring. And then, our eyes met.
It lasted only a heartbeat. But it felt like someone punched my gut. It felt like an electric shock, like something sharp digging into my ribs, reaching for my heart. The wind strong trying to push me away, like it was trying to hold me back, telling me to stop..... Just a single glance....long enough for my brain to short-circuit, my chest to go tight, and for me to realize...I had actually stopped breathing.
And just as easily, she looked away. Just like the wind. Now silent. Except for my own heartbeat...which was completely out of rhythm
She averted her eyes. Not shyly. Not nervously. Just… uninterested. Like I was nothing more than a random guy in her evening. Simple. Replaceable. Like the wind. Like the fading sun. Like just another guy who had looked at her and thought she was beautiful... and admired those eyes....sharp enough to hurt, or to write something into the heart.
Snapping out of it, I climbed down to the ledge, grabbed the shuttlecock, and crawled back up. She didn’t even acknowledge me. Just tilted her head slightly to the side, toward my sister, as if she was already bored of my presence. I, on the other hand, felt like something inside me had shifted. Or broken. Or maybe, for the first time... something had stitched itself together.
Letting out a slow breath, I suddenly felt stupid for thinking that moment meant anything. My fingers twitched. My heart was beating weird. I just stood there like an idiot, wondering why it felt like I had lost something I never even had in the first place.
I bent down to take the towel....only to hear that melody of anklets again, moving away from me.
As I climbed down the stairs, I became hyper-aware of everything....my posture, my steps, even my breathing. Was I walking weird? Was I standing properly straight? I straightened my spine, fixed my steps, and tried my best to walk as manly as possible, even though she was not watching Because for some reason ......I really needed to
Was I trying to impress her? Or was it my pride, stung by the sharpness of her indifferent gaze towards me? And yet, my heart was still stuck in that moment... like something had been imprinted onto it....Lost in the reflection of the setting sun in her eyes....The pink sky behind her.
Was that what drew me in? Or was it her indifference... her failure to acknowledge what she had done to me?
After that, I took a bath...spent more than an hour inside. I don’t know why. Maybe because, for the first time, I felt like I should reject myself.
I had always known love to be more of a sacrifice than happiness. That’s why I had a plan...to first set my future and career, then find a girl. But... will she wait till then?
I laughed. What was I even thinking?
I laughed again, even though something inside me didn’t find it funny. It wasn’t like I had never felt attracted to a girl before. I had. Many times. So maybe... this too would go away.
I decided to bury this feeling...think with my brain, not my heart. But my heart felt strange, like I was containing something... something that needed to be let out.
Still, I buried it. Who cares? First comes money, then comes girls**.** That’s what I told myself.....That’s what I made myself believe..... Bollywood and real life are different.
Even though it hurt, I kept to myself. But fate... fate had something else planned.
Because unlike the others, unlike every fleeting crush that had faded with time, she didn’t leave my mind.
Instead, like a rose with sharp thorns, she rooted herself deeper and deeper into my heart....and in the end, I hurt myself far more than I ever could have imagined... far more than I ever would with what happened in the future.