Life is too harsh, i want to kill myself
im 16M, bachpan se hi mera baap bhot bura tha, jab se mai 12-13 saal ka tha baap mentally/physically abusive tha death threats deta tha bolta tha maarne ke bad ambulance bhi nhi bulayega aise hi chhod dega. inn sab cheezo ke karan 13 saal tak mujhe ek mental disorder ho gya(DPDR naam hai). Bachpan se mai utna achha nhi dikhta tha kyuki skin color dark hai aur thoda introverted bhi tha, zyadatar dost toxic the regular basis pe color ka mazak udate the aur mujhe group ka laughing stock bana diye the.
Fir life ka sabse fucked up phase aaya mujhe pata chala ki mere baap ko stock market pe gambling karne ka addiction tha (mummy aur didi ne chhupaya tha kyuki 10th start hone wala tha ) usne apna saara paisa uda diya fir bhot sara loan leke gamble krne lag gya uske pas 50-60 lakh ka debt tha, negative me paisa tha uske paas(baap engineer tha 70000 salary ke sath ). Fir 4th March, 2023 ko he tried to kill us all by driving the car into the lake, ham usse convince kar rhe the ki sab thik ho jayega par wo sari galti mummy aur didi ke upar daal de rha tha aur bhot buri gaaliya de rha tha aur mummy ro bhi di thi, meri didi ke paas uski partial recording bhi h abhi, usne uss samay mujhe ye bhi bola ki wo duniya me sabse zyada pyaar mujhse karta hai jo ki ofcourse manipulation tha par ghanto tak convince krne ke baad ham shi slamat ghar aa gye(mere bade papa aur relatives ne paise jodke hmari madad ki) fir next day train pakad mai, mummy aur didi, bade papa ke ghar aagye kuch dino ke liye (apne baap se puch ke).
Iss incident ke bad mujhe laga ki uska addiction thik ho gya par mummy aur didi mujhse sab info chhupa rhi thi taki padhai pe dhyan de saku(mai 9th me zyada padhta nhi tha 81% aaye the, par iss chiz ne aakhe khol di thi) fir regularly 10 hr padhta tha fir jaise boards aane wale the 12-13 hr padhne lga (mental state bhot buri thi aur mai bohot hi zyada depressed tha par kaise bhi karke padh leta tha upar se dpdr ke karan bar bar dissociate karne lagta tha padhai ke time pe)
Fir boards start hone ke 2 mahine pehle, 12 January 2024 ko mera baap Hospital jane ke bahane ek din ke liye bahar chala gya fir next day mummy ko baap se call aata hai ki wo nhi aa rha aur use agar kuch ho jaye to chinta na kare (wo ghar chhod ke bhaag gaya tha) . Iss time pe hame uski koi chinta nhi thi hame bas apni chinta thi. Call ke do din bad ham wapas gao chale gye kuch din tak. Wapas aane ke baad bhot sari legal aur police related chize hui. Company (jisme baap kaam karta tha) ne board over hone ke 3 din bad tak k time diya saman hatane ka kyuki ghar company ka tha. Boards ke time 15-16 ghante padhta tha kaise bhi karke, aur boards achha hi gaya tha par bhot zyada silly mistakes thi nervousness ke karan(93.8% aaye in best of 5,excluding sanskrit ) .
Fir ham gao aa gye, saman transport ka paisa bade papa ne diya. Starting me sab bohot achhe se baat krte the par slowly taane maarne lage. Mai almost pura din padhta tha to daantne lage ki bahar bhi nikal jaya kr kabhi, kuch bolte the ki apne baap jaisa hi banega shakal bhi waisi hi h. Koi padhai ke liye encourage nhi karta tha bas pura din daantate the. Mai gao me zyada rha nhi tha to gao ka kaam nhi aata tha to har din daant padti thi sab wahi bolte the ki buddhhi nahi hai nalayak hai ye. Fir mujhe mere bhaiya logo ke sath kheti ka kaam karane lag gaye jaise ret uthana, hal chalana.
Jab ye log kam me chale jate the fir padhne baith jata tha, par ek time ke baad kisi bhi chiz me mann lagna band ho gaya, apni life ke karan hopeless ho gaya tha , bhagwan se bharosa uth gaya, abhi mai apne school ke test 1 me first aaya tha tab bhi kisi ne ek bhi chiz achhi nhi boli, pata nhi inhe mere padhne se kya dikkat h jab bhi padhta hu to bolte h bahar nhi nikalta andar ghusa rhta h, iske karan maine bahar nikalnaa hi band kar diya h, kyuki agar bahar nikla to demotivate ho jaunga padhai ke liye.Fir mai library jane laga padhai ke liye , 7am to 7pm rhta tha library me aur gjar wapas aake bhi padhta tha.
Kuch 2 month pehle mummy ek tractor company me chai banene ka kaam krti thi 6500 milte the, fir job chhod di kyuki mummy ki boss bhot zyada kam krati thi , currently mai bilkul nhi padh pa rha bas ek 2-hr lecture me mujhe 8hr lag jate h,padhai ke bich dpdr episodes aur flashbacks aa jate h, na question ban rhe h na revision ho pa rha h meri puri life fucked h, please kuch advice de do inn sab chizo ko handle krne k liye, mai kuch zyada hi hopeless hu, aisa lag rha h ki sab barbad hi ho rha hai to try karke kya milega, i just want to kill myself