crippled with shame :(

hey first time posting to r/jung but you guys are probably one of the smartest and open minded bunch on reddit.

I am 20 years old, and have been addicted to pornography from a very young age (9 or 10), it has crippled my development, it has made me view women as sexual objects, it has estranged me from my family and friends, it has impeded my development, I would say I wasn't able to develop a proper ego throughout my childhood because of porn. There are other factors that weren't in my control, I had an abusive father who had PTSD and was prone to rage so I had very low confidence.

I lost my virginity to a massage parlor when I was 18, it was a fairly liberating experience and I was happy about it at the time and I went on to visit 2 more times in Australia and then I saw two prostitutes overseas in Thailand.

Porn has made me view everything through a sexual lense, it has made me unable to seperate reality from pornography. even when I was with a prostitute, I couldn't get off without imagining very vivid scenes of pornography that I had seen.

I feel disturbed and I feel as if my psyche has been permenantly altered my internet porn. I am in a constant cycle of shame over my pornography use and my use of massage parlors and escorts.

I don't know how to convey this to any future romantic partners which I defiently want down the line. I had my first kiss with a girl last year but this was after I lost my virginity to an escort. I am scared about the judgement associated with telling somebody this truth about me, and I feel as if even though they may consciously say they are fine with it, something in them a deep unconscious force will judge me for this and that there is nothing I can do about that.

I am crippled in a constant cycle of shame everyday, and it's as if I am constantly re-living and re-experiencing this by watching more porn as a way to keep me trapped within this cycle. It could be out of fear of a future partner learning this truth so I'd rather stay as 'peter pan' and stay inside of myself.

I am just so lost, I feel as if my mind has just been destroyed by this.

Has anyone got any input or experience? the biggest factor impacting me is the fear of judgement over my decision to go to massage parlors / use escorts.

I should add I have suffered from extreme anxiety, and I am prone to OCD and I have had extremely intrusive thoughts from a young age, and I have self harm scars from when I was 12-13 and have been actively suicidal in the past.

I have done shit loads of shadow work and introspection and I am in a much better place than where I once was, but it feels like the biggest hurdle for me at this point is proper integration of my sexuality. I feel so lost and filled with shame and I wish that none of this had ever happened and I wish I had a normal development without watching creampie gangbangs at age 10. It's beyond fucked up and everything is heavily over-sexualised in todays day and age.

I have permenantly deleted instagram and facebook so that's a nice first step, but fuck man... porn is just a different beast. I have been off and on various drugs including mdma and never even felt once addicted but porn...

Porn feels like going home, in a literal sense the moment of ejaculation is you returning to source. a transcendent moment or love and understanding, giving that up is hard, especially when you don't have a partner