Emotional growth stunted by an inner child stuck in trauma. "Make him grow up", they say. It's not that easy. I want him dead.

I have been in therapy for 6 years, and between one session and another this week I came to a conclusion that is quite interesting. I have been trying to "be" for years. I try to...decide what to be, I try to choose characteristics to apply to my personality, but it never works. I try to be kind, it doesn't fit. I try to be cruel, it doesn't fit. I try to be polite, it doesn't fit. I try to be chaotic, it doesn't fit. I didn't really understand why. I kept changing. Some doctors proposed dissociative identity disorder, but I have no amnesia, I remember everything down to the last minute detail. But I mean, what if I am incomplete? What if, because of the 8 years I have been bullied through, I have been traumatized so bad I am stuck at my inner child? And hey, that makes sense! I am a big, violent child! I am emotionally immature, can't understand love, can't process grief/mourning, and I am basically a child with violence issues. Yes, I am formed by two things: a child stuck in the past, and a placeholder that does the important stuff but is empty inside, similar to a sociopath. I am basically a sociopath stuck with a child. What should I do, I say what should I do? Kill the inner child, or integrate him? I mean, integrating him is obviously the right choice, but why is killing him so attractive?

Nothing, I wanted to share this. Interesting, in my opinion.