What do i do??

I’m not sure if this is the correct theme of the sub reddit but i wanted to share what’s happened to me to get some advice and also to see the situation from an outside perspective as i am scared to tell other people i know

(sorry it’s a long story i want to get the whole story very clear)

me and this girl were dating for about 5 month and our relationship was very messy and had loads of problems. After 5 months we broke up. She was the one who broke it up however despite this wanted to get back with me. After a stressful 5 months i said no due to the issue and after this we didn’t speak for about a month until a week or so before my friends birthday party which she was also going to.

About a week or so before she joined a call with me and my friends and asked to speak to me privately. Before when we broke up she removed me on snapchat however after a good conversation added me back. I wanted to remain friends with her (for some reason i thought that would work) as we were friends before anything happened. We began speaking often leading up to this party like friends would and despite the toxic relationship we got along well. During this time she hinted to me about getting back with me and i made it clear to her i had no intentions of a relationship with her (she would then say she doesn’t either however i felt she did based of what she was saying) or really with anyone at that point in time as i found it very stressful and didn’t want to go back to that. Not only that but as she was a friend of mine before our friend groups were very similar so our problems led to problems between my friends as she would almost try to make them dislike me for what i did wrong adding to the stress and whole reason i didn’t want to get back with her.

I just want to say that this is wasn’t some massive party and that it was a fairly small party which 8 of us went to. for me it is the first time ever getting drunk.along with that everyone was drinking and i had no influence on how much she drunk. She also get there earlier than me so became drunk faster than me.

The day of the party comes around and at the start a few of our friends are asking us if we would get back together which i didn’t answer in front of her as i felt rude saying “no” so i would just say maybe or i don’t know. We was all having a good time and having a few drinks and then everyone expect for us went outside. i really didn’t want it to turn into a thing where me and her end up doing something together so i said “let’s go outside with them to her” and she began saying “no speak to me” and “stay with me” which i did for a bit until we went outside and then after a little bit again it was just me and her outside. i dont remember the moment it happened but at this point i realised she was drunk. She was on the trampoline outside and telling me to sit next to her and be with he when i wanted to enjoy the party with everyone. i said “i dont want to” and she started getting really upset until i told her i would just to make sure she is happy and she began to act weird by constantly jumping or rolling about on the trampoline and saying my tits are coming out and nearly flashing me and also asking me “is my dress to titty” (asking if you could see her boobs to much) this made me feel a bit uncomfortable as it was a very weird thing to ask your EX who you aren’t dating at the time. I tried not to think much of it and after a bit everyone was back inside together. We then decided me and her would go to the shops together (it was meant to be more people but she wanted it to just be me and her) On the way to the shops she started getting annoyed at me for not walking with my arm around her and not acting like we was dating. she started saying i was “mean” and making me feel bad for not doing it however sober me wasn’t convinced no matter what i wouldn’t do anything so that she couldn’t say i had led her on or say anything bad as the way out relationship ended before (despite being toxic) was quite a good and civil ending. Then once we were back at the house the party was happening shr went upstairs and i got told to go up with her. At first there was a few people but she wanted to speak to me 1 on 1 and we did. She asked me why was i “being mean” and not doing anything with her and i said it’s because i don’t want a relationship with you and i don’t want to lead you on. After going back and forth for a while and me saying to her very clearly i don’t want to get back with you she all of a sudden started screaming at me and ran out the room down to everyone else. i heard her crying saying “why does he think i want to get back with him” and her saying “he has such an ego”. Whilst this was all going on i was told to stay in a different room where me and my friend began to have lots of shots leading me to become drunk. After it had all calmed down i got told we should both go upstairs again and do we did. At this point we were now both drunk and she was saying i’m “mean” for not doing anything with her and i said “but i don’t want to have a relationship” and how i didn’t want to lead her on. After a long back and forth she started saying how she isn’t going to say i led her and we came to the agreement that we will just have fun for one night and that it means nothing after. It was almost meant to be like are last night together (which i believe she said) I made her promise me and swear on everything that she isn’t going to say i’ve led her on or say i’ve done something to her after. After about 10 minutes of her promising me it’s not leading her on and how it is just “as we are both drunk” and that we was just having a bit of fun we began to make out.

I remember her pulling me down onto her chest and was both kissing. She then wanted me to begin to touch her sexually which i did whilst making out with her. Of course all of this turned me on and made me want to do something more sexual however we was in our friends bedroom so nothing happened. This was until she began hinting towards feeling the same way and i took the lead and suggested going to the bathroom. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said i don’t know and said what do you want to do. I suggested her giving me head and she said she didn’t want to as she felt sick (which she also told me earlier) so then i said she could use her hands instead which she was very happy to do. After a little bit we was intutprted by people outside the bathroom so we i told her let’s stop and go and watch the boxing which was about to begin. She didn’t want to however i said i don’t want to miss it so we stopped. We both went downstairs and enjoy the rest of our night. At one point i had my arm around her as going anything with her just felt so natural as we were dating for 5 months. Along with the fact we were both drunk.

After that night when we both went home she messaged me saying how she hoped i would finish it off myself as she never got to and we spoke a bit later that night and a few days after. She then called me upset a few days later saying how she felt i had used her for sex and how she felt like a bop or a slag and how it was really affecting her. She said she couldn’t tell anyone because she was scared to tell people we did anything sexually. i told her i’m sorry she felt that way and that i regret doing it and how i never had the intentions of using her. I also for days after was there for her speaking to her about it as she couldn’t speak to anyone else and i didn’t want her to be alone and stressed about it

After about half a month we both stopped talking as she said she wasn’t going to keep speaking to me if i’m not getting back with her. I didnt hear from her for ages until i found out she told her best friend, one of our mutual friends and another person we both know about what happened. She told them i used her for sex as she was vulnerable and how i was leading her on and basically completely trashing me. She brought up the points i knew she wanted to get back with me and still did it and how about a month before (when we was still dating) she told me how she hyper sexualises herself (does sexual stuff to try and feel loved) which it is true she told me. She said knowing she hypersexualises herself i used her for sex as i knew she would do it. it is true she told me this about a month before but i said to her a drunk me wasn’t thinking about stuff like this is and didn’t consider that. When this all happened i never even considered the fact she hypersexualises herself and never had the intention of using her, I just saw it as a bit of fun as we was both drunk and on a very comfortable level with eachother as we were both dating for a long time before. All the people she told saw me very differently despite me not intending to hurt her or use her in any way. She completely changed these peoples perspectives on me and all expect from my friend really dislike me. I don’t fully know what she told them however the little bits i heard she just made it seem like i was using her as she was “vulnerable” and saying how i left her traumatised and depressed. She did tell me she knew i had no bad intentions when i spoke to her privately however said i had done it and now had to deal with it

I spoke to her in the phone about it and at first she didn’t even seem to take it serious laughing about it and making jokes about it. I feel this is her way with dealing with stuff and she has a lot going on with her family and other stuff. However after a while (and me apologising to her many times) we both began to speak on a normal level almost like we did when was was dating. We spoke about the past and all the gossip from our old friend group. She told me how she still cares about me and loves me and after lots of positive conversations we began speaking again and are now dating.

However the story doesn’t end there. The relationship is taking a very toxic turn again as there is constant arguments and problems and it’s becoming very stressful. I’m scared if i was to break up with her she will spread what happened and try to ruin my life.

not only am i still lost because i don’t fully know if i did was as wrong as she is making it seem as i struggle to know what is wrong and right when im involved in situations but also i don’t know if us dating has made it right and if i should worry about what happened being used against me. Again i never had bad intentions and honestly just felt horny and wanted something sexual to happen. She had told me she can’t forgive me for what happened but me treating her well will help make it right in her eyes and whilst i’ve tried she has unrealistic expectations she wants me to do which when i don’t do causes arguments

please let me know if im in the wrong for what happened and if i am as bad as she is making me seem to everyone, thank you for reading.