Dealing with post grad depression

Hello, I F 23 recently graduated in May and have been in the one of my worst periods of depression I’ve had since being in highschool. College was never really that great for me, I struggle with general anxiety and social anxiety and to be frank the first 3 years of undergrad sucked. I could say I’m fairly smart in that I never struggled academically. I was a mathematics major and while yes I had hard classes I never really had to study and my concern was never not passing but wheather I’d get an A or an AB in the class. I didn’t have many friends I was too afraid to do anything alone including eating.

Just to give an idea of how bad my anxiety is, I started seeing a therapist my first semester of freshman year to help with my anxiety but mostly in a desperate state of need because I lost nearly 20 lbs in my first semester simply because I had too much anxiety to go get food, even off campus, and lived off of a case of coke and the few frozen meals my dad bought for me when I came home on the weekends.

This therapist wasn’t my first one I ever saw but she’s been the best and I still see her till this day. After 3 years she finally convinced me to try anxiety meds going into my senior year(I was very against it because my parents forced me to be on them when I was in middle/highschool for obvious reasons). Anyways I got prescribed Cymbalta and it was the greatest thing that happened to me. My energy was through the roof, I wasn’t sad any more, I was working out and starting out my senior year of college I even made (somewhat they were my roomates friends) 4 friends. This made my senior year an absolute blast. I was going out Thursday-Saturday the weekdays were filled with hangouts late night study sessions I even met a guy and was going on all sorts of dates. All things that my anxiety filled self could never have dreamed about when she spent the first 3 years crying herself to sleep.

However second semester came and while things were still great 1 friend dropped out, another (my roommate) started a fight with my boyfriend over me and stopped talking to me altogether(a story for another time), and the other was in a hell of a semester in nursing school. While I still had my 1 friend and my boyfriend I was having to practically beg for my friend to do anything bc she was so busy studying and my and my boyfriend and I pretty much agreed that it was a fwb situation because we couldn’t commit to the long distance after graduation (well he couldn’t I could). And so while my senior year was still great I started to dread the end more and more because for the first time ever I was loving life.

Every day was still roughly a great day. Until graduation came. Due to a miscommunication I had a horrible anxiety attack on my graduation day. My makeup was ruined I was crying when I grabbed my diploma, I don’t have a single picture I liked and didn’t even post that I graduated anywhere. I hate this day so much, what I spent 4 years working for ruined by my stupid anxiety. My 1 friend moved back home and a few weeks later my boyfriend ended things.

I applied for jobs hoping to do something related to math, and I got a job within two weeks of graduating as a software engineer and I was ecstatic they told me my job would involve math . I’m making more money than I ever dreamed I’d start out at as a new grad. Except I’ve spent every day since graduating in tears. I thought I was hiding it well but one of my coworkers pulled me aside and told me he was there for me to talk to if I ever thought about doing something stupid to myself. And my dad who would never ever let me quit a job without another lined up told me to quit because the stress was going to kill me. But I’ve been stick it out for the pay, bullheaded like my dad. Everyday I leave work exhausted mentally drained that this is my new reality. It’s not that my job is hard per se but just draining. I stare at a computer for 9 hours and have maybe 20 minutes of social conversation a day. There’s not even a full 9 hours of work so 6-7 of these hours are with NOTHING to do. And the other 2-3 hours is being asked to do stuff that I don’t know how to do that isn’t related to math that I struggle to figure out. The social isolation and lack of work is not great for someone with the level of anxiety that I do.

I’ve tried a handful of new meds but nothings helped and I’m back to what I was on before when I was happy. I’m back in my hometown with no friends. My mom always tells me to reach out to people from highschool or go on a dating app, but I was bullied all throughout highschool and I’m still not over my ex enough to start dating again. When I can I go back up to college to see my one friend who’s taking a fifth year, but I always end up an emotional mess reminiscing on what I once had.

I get so angry at myself and the world that my first three years of college were spent alone in my dorm. And that when I had finally made friends and had better control of my anxiety I had less that a year to enjoy it. I mean hell even my ex who was 31 has friends from highschool he hangout with weekly. It’s been 7 months since graduating and I’m still sad.

I truly do have a passion for studying mathematics and have long considered pursuing a PhD in mathematics. Although I was discouraged by my advisor to apply as she said our school isn’t good enough for me to get into a grad program let alone any of the schools I wanted to apply to. This was despite me having a 3.9 gpa and spending 2 years working as a math instructor in undergrad. I talked with my therapist and I figured I’d take a gap year save money and reapply. I was dead set on it too, wrote my personal statement got the information in order except I never got my letters of recommendation to send everything in. Because I realized that I couldn’t live off the stipend a PhD program provides and wouldn’t be able to have a well enough job to afford living. So for now my gap year has turned into a two year gap.

I spend all my free time stuck in near debilitating and existential dread of where I belong and what I should be using my life for. I’ve been trying to chase the high that was my last year of college and nothing compares. I’m left with just memories as a painful reminder of what was and what will never again be.

I’ve been really trying to push myself to do self care, I’ve bought some books some math some non fiction and have been reading a little each week. I try and do skincare and makeup to make me feel better about myself. Perhaps spending a little too much here and there in hopes that the material items will help me feel something. But it’s not enough to pull me out of my depression.

I guess I’m looking for advice of how to deal with the post grad blues? I thought things would get easier as time moved on but it’s just gotten worse.

TLDR: Been horribly depressed since graduation, not sure how to continue.