[TRIGGER WARNING] How quickly would I be able to get HRT through my doctor?

I (18) know it won't be instant but I need it so much. I want large breasts, I hate how dense all my body hair is and how fast it grows. I hate my male life. I am suicidal (managing it with anti-depressants) but wanting to be a girl and keeping it down put me on the edge of death. I stopped myself from telling my doctor when I got put on anti-depressants 4-5 weeks ago and I really regret it. Could I have been put on hrt by now? Could I have helped myself if I wasn't so stupid?

I can't sleep at night because of how I feel without having a can of vodka. I'm so tired. I can't save money because I feel like it's worth nothing to me or my life, I struggle around my cis girl friends with how feminine they are and them already having the body parts, I don't like being the only guy there almost every time, I hate being bunched in with the boys by teachers and I hate the way the boys all look at me like I'm some freak gay that would touch them all. I'm so broken down. I can't handle it.