I want sex now

I want to commit zina. I want to have girls. I want to talk to girls, hang out with them, laugh with them, joke with them. I want to have beautiful girls. But I can't do any of that. I can't even get married to the immodest non-hijabi or hijabi women I want like an instagram girl. I don't want a conservative traditional pious muslim woman because they are all prudes and ugly and boring.

The only fricking option is to go kill myself to rid myself of this misery and frustration. I tried killing myself yesterday by trying to starve to death but I was stopped by my family. I tried to self harm in other ways too but I failed in these attempts too. I am trying to look for a secret way to slowly kill myself without anyone knowing.