I am not a good man

Asalamu alaykum my dear brothers and sisters in islam

I've been feeling a certain way for a long time and I've been struggling to articulate it. But today I will try.

I am not a good man. There is evil in my heart. I would love to say that I am super motivated to perform my Salah, and do so many extra acts of worship and no concept of sin occurs to me but that would be completely false.

I have an overwhelming desire to sin. I think of many different kinds of sin. I feel life would be easier through haram money. I think about lying a lot. I think about carnal desires, zina of the eyes and full on zina. All the time. Giving up on Salah Altogether, sometimes it's really hard with work. These are the thoughts in my heart.

I do not act on these thoughts. I do my best to resist them as much as possible. But I find it's not because I am a good person. But rather through logic.

I am aware that due to suffering loss in my life of my loved ones that I can feel disillusioned sometimes. But I am still aware that Allah almighty has granted me countless blessings. Blessings which I could not even enumerate. For example, to write this, I have a mind which is working Alhamdulillah, I have eyes to see and fingers to type Alhamdulillah. There are many more but these are just examples. Even when I feel extremely exhausted and tired, I always pray my Salah. Even if I have to read a short Surah or just do the fardh rakaats. I make sure I do them so that I am not ungrateful.

How awful would I be to throw the gifts of Allah almighty on sins and therefore be ungrateful? I also think of the perspective of the other person. I would not want someone to do zina with my family members or someone I love and therefore I feel I should not do it as that would be hypocritical.

I am not sure how to deal with all of the corruption in my heart. I do my best to stay steadfast, but I feel I am weakening over time and I am scared I will fall into sin. Therefore i would appreciate your dear advice insha'Allah