Depraved and hopeless

Assalamu Alaykum brothers and sisters,

I’m using a throwaway account for this. As the title states, I’ve been feeling so hopeless and disgusted with myself. May Allah forgive me.

I’m a F in my late 20’s. I was doing so well for most of 2024 alhamdulilah! But lately for the past two weeks I have fallen back into bad habits. I don’t want to get into specifics or share my sins.

I always sincerely repent but then I find myself falling back into it. I’ve tried fasting, cold showers, not being alone, etc. But I just find a way to do it because Im weak.

I want to satisfy my needs in a halal way but I feel disgusting and unable to find a righteous spouse bc who would want a muslim wife who does these things.

On the outside I am seen as extremely conservative and religious (proper hijab, fulfilling faraid, etc) but then when I’m alone I commit sins. It scares me because private sins can wreak your life. May Allah forgive me and help me get over this test ameen.

Any words of advice or encouragement would be appreciated. Jazak Allahu Khayrun.