I want hell

I stumbled twice in a single day, and I feel there's no chance for redemption. It seems I'm destined for hell, and part of me craves that suffering. I’m so emotionally drained that I can’t even feel anymore. I don’t believe I’m worthy of the Lord’s grace; I’ve been dishonest in claiming to follow Jesus when, in truth, I’ve been following a darker path. I’ve let the Lord down, and I struggle to find a reason to rise again. I feel like I deserve the absolute worst.