im so tired of thinking everyone i love will off themselves
its my worst fear and its always on my mind and its probably because most of the people in my family have extreme mental issues and have threatened suicide countless times. growing up thats what my ocd focused on and it still does. i cant even care for myself because im constantly riddled with the thoughts of others mental health.
every day i get the images over and over again of my mom or grandma or aunt or sister hanging themselves or overdosing in the most disturbing haunting ways. it doesnt go away. the more i try to make it go away it gets more twisted. i hate it so much because i love my family so much. i have to know how they feel 24/7 or ill go insane. i have to check on my mom or my sister and if they dont let me in on how they are feeling ill go crazy. i need to know they wont kill themselves. it probably bothers them how emotional i get but i cant help it i dont know how to stop it.
growing up when me and my sister used to sleep in the same room i couldn’t sleep for hours sometimes because everytime my sister had a pause in her breathing, my brain would tell me to get up and check her pulse to make sure she’s alive. and if i didnt id find her dead in the morning.
pls someone help me with this, its so exhausting. i do care about others mental health but at this point its so damaging for me. i cant even be suicidal myself because the thought of making a family member depressed and suicidal from my own death fucking HAUNTS me.